Living faithful, fruitful and fulfilled on the mission field
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When our kids weren’t feeling well and wanted to stay home from school, my husband felt their foreheads. Were they hot? Did they have a temperature? Eventually, we invested in a thermometer to measure things more accurately. Our marriages need a daily temperature reading too!
In a married relationship, there are times when things feel a little bit off. You may not be sure why. There is increased tension and communication seems to be breaking down. It is important to pay careful attention to what is happening in your marriage.
One tool for daily communication that has greatly helped our marriage is called the Daily Temperature Reading (DTR). It was developed by a group called PAIRs.
We learned this powerful tool some years ago we went through extensive marriage counseling. For almost a year, we did this exercise every single day. We still use it at least once a week and often several times a week. It keeps us healthy and communicating with each other well.
WIFE: “He never tells me he appreciates all I do! I cook, clean, and take care of the children, but I never even get a thank you from him. Sometimes I want to quit this marriage!”
HUSBAND: “All she ever does is nag and complain! I work hard all day in ministry. When I come home, I am exhausted. She loves to point out my faults and wrongdoings. I honestly don’t know what to do to make her happy. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Her nagging makes me want to stay out of the house even longer so I linger in my ministry appointments. At least the people I am helping appreciate me.”
These are not uncommon to hear from married couples anywhere…even on the mission field. Has something similar been said in your house?
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
Romans 12:8 ESV
The Word of God tells us to do whatever we can, on our part, to live peaceably. That begins at home. Doing a DTR (Daily Temperature Reading) on a regular basis can greatly improve the peacefulness of your marriage. For other helpful tools please see my previous blogs.
Here is how it works. Take turns with each of the steps below. Though you can go longer, this process usually takes about 20 minutes. When the other person is speaking, listen carefully and don’t interrupt. Switch who begins each time you do it. The same person need not always start the appreciation.
Tell the other person something specific you appreciate about them. Highlight things they have done to serve you or the family in the past day or week. Let them know that you noticed these things and say thank you. You can also mention aspects of their personality or character that you particularly appreciate. After sharing three or four things, stop and let the other spouse take a turn.
Busy ministry couples often struggle to communicate. In the midst of over-packed lives, it is easy to forget to mention the details or things you’ve learned. This can greatly frustrate your spouse.
In this step, think about what you’ve learned. Share that information. Did your mother call and cancel the dinner this week? Perhaps you got a letter from your child’s school. Or maybe you booked a train ticket or a speaking engagement. Share these things with one another.
Even though we may have been married a long time, we continue to learn about one another. Are there things which happened that you don’t understand? Sharing a puzzle is a lot less threatening then attacking the person or jumping to a conclusion. For example, you might say, “I noticed you were very quiet during dinner tonight. That puzzled me. I wondered if you were angry or didn’t like what I cooked.” This then gives them a chance to explain.
“Oh no! It wasn’t that at all. I was thinking about what someone said to me at church. It’s really been upsetting to me.” Puzzle solved.
You can also share more general puzzles like “I am puzzled about how to resolve this problem. I don’t know what to do about this.”
It helps a lot to have a regular time where it is safe to share things the other person did that you didn’t like. Share these things in a constructive way, not just complaining. Also kindly tell your spouse what you would prefer they do instead. This can improve your marriage a great deal!
If you regularly share, and it is received and acted on, you won’t have explosions where ten frustrations come out at once. That makes you feel attacked and rarely leads to the marriage getting better.
Here is an example of a complaint with a request for change.
“I really don’t like it when I call everyone to come for dinner, but you keep watching TV. I have to call you 3 or 4 times. I’d like to request you shut off the TV and come within a few minutes after I let you know the food is ready.”
Complaint: Having to call repeatedly
Request for change: Come within a few minutes after the first call.
Here is one more.
“I don’t feel relaxed when the house is a mess. I come home and there are toys everywhere. I can’t find a place to sit down in our living room. I’d really appreciate it if you could ask the children to pick up their toys before I get home from the office.”
Complaint: Toys everywhere.
Request for change: Have the children pick them up before I come home.
Finish the Daily Temperature Reading (DTR) by sharing one or two things you are looking forward to in the coming week or month. Maybe you are hoping to go visit your family or to see a breakthrough in your ministry. Sharing your desires with one another is important. Then, each spouse can work to fulfill the dreams and desires of their spouse. If you don’t know what the other person is hoping for, you can’t partner to make it possible.
Why not go ahead and give it a try? Set aside a half an hour after the kids are in bed and practice these simple steps. After you finish, say a short prayer together.
Don’t have 30 minutes? At least grab five and do the appreciation step. That by itself will improve your marriage if you do it regularly!
Having a healthy, fulfilling and pleasurable marriage is a key to being faithful, fruitful and fulfilled on the mission field. Set aside the time you need, to do what it takes to invest in your marriage.
Let me know in the comments or on the Missionary Life Facebook group how it went when you tried doing this with your spouse. Any questions?
*The above tool was developed by PAIRs. For more information about this tool or to contact them, click here.
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Do you ever feel empty? Exhausted? I do. We all face seasons of life when we are severely stretched. Ministry and family demands pile up and suddenly you realize you are “running on empty.”
God desires us to live life full, not run on fumes. He wants us to experience His goodness and have it overflow to those around us. When we live full, Jesus “rubs off” on those we come in contact with. They sense His Presence and love.
The secret to staying full is being rooted and established in His love.
It is the season of spring storms here in Asia. The other night a big one blew through. Powerful winds took down signs and affected power lines. We looked out our window and watched the trees whipped back and forth. Not all of them survived the storm. Some of them were uprooted and hurled across the road by the wind. It was kind of scary to watch and we were glad to be inside our house while this was happening.
The depth of our root system in God matters greatly when we face life’s storms. If we have deep roots no matter how strong the winds, we will not be thrown. A few limbs may break off and there may be external damage, but we will survive and new branches will grow.
“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
Ephesians 3:16-19
The Ephesians passage is Paul’s prayer for the believers in Ephesus. He prayed that God would strengthen them in their “inner being.” Sometimes we get so busy in ministry and work. We don’t even notice what is happening in our hearts. It is important to get quiet before the Lord and take the temperature. What is happening inside? How am I doing?
I use several tools to help me do this. One is a Daily Examen. If you’ve never tried this ancient spiritual practice, I’d encourage you to find out more about it. As you reflect back over your day, ask yourself where you experienced God’s grace and goodness. In the Examen, you also check your responses. It’s part of noticing and seeing yourself and God in the day that has gone by.
Another tool I use is called an Emotional Jug. What am I feeling today? What am I mad, sad, scared and glad about? It is easy to suppress our emotions and not make space to allow ourselves to feel. This can cause us to get depressed. Take care of yourself. Be a good friend to yourself and ask yourself “How are you doing today?” Then really listen. This will help you track your “inner life.”
As the Ephesians prayer states, His incredible love for us is our source of strength and life. It is important to regularly meditate on and receive His love. Soak in it. Let it be personal.
We recently celebrated Easter. Did you take time to reflect personally on how deeply Jesus loves you? He loved enough to die for you, to suffer for you, to do whatever it takes. What is it like to have a friend who loves you like that? Who steps in to “take a bullet” so you can live instead of him.
How valuable and cherished you are!
We know God loves us and we know of His love. We need to let it stay personal and real in our lives though. “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so…” is a favorite song of children around the world. That is because there is so much truth in it! Let the little boy or little girl inside of you receive that afresh today.
What aspect of His love means the most to you?
A speaker named Jay taught at one of our retreats some years ago. He talked about receiving the kisses of God. Let God show you His love in small but special ways. How has Jesus been extra good to you this past week? Giving you something small in your day that only He could know you really needed?
I love beautiful flowers and roses. My husband is good to buy those for me occasionally. When he does, it means so much to me. I put them in a lovely vase on my desk or dining room table and enjoy looking at them throughout the day.
One morning as I was praying, I heard the still small voice of Jesus say, “I would fill a whole room with roses for you, my love.” I let myself imagine what that would be like. If He did that, filled the entire room with hundreds and hundreds of gorgeous roses, how would I feel? That would be so extravagant and expensive! My husband could never afford to do that for me. My Jesus could and would! Wow. I was in awe of His great love for me.
That illustration might not mean much to you, but it meant a lot to me! Jesus knows how to love us in the particular and unique way we need to be loved by him.
What do you need Him to do to show you His love? To bring back the awe and amazement in your relationship with Him again. Why not ask God to show you His love today in some special and unique way that would be very personal for you?
I know He would be delighted to do that. He loves to lavish His love upon us – His beloved ones.
As we are filled afresh with His great love, as we draw near in our love relationship with Him again, we are strengthened in our inner self. We receive what we need to live well, to live full. Overflow happens and people see Jesus in us. The unreached around us “smell” his fragrance on us and are drawn to Him.
Would you pray this prayer with me?
Jesus, I want to abide in your love. I want my roots to go down deep so when the storms of life come, I will stand firm. Show me again today how much You love me. Let me notice, let me recognize Your goodness and Your “kisses.” Lift the heaviness from my heart and let my soul delight in how much You love and desire me. And let that joy and fullness overflow to those who need Your healing touch today. Amen.
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Just the word “immigration” can put knots in our stomachs. For weeks before traveling in or out of the country, we prepare ourselves. “This is what I will say if asked.” We face the inner tension of not wanting to be deceitful, but also wanting to be granted a visa.
It can take days to gather the
Immigration and visa issues can feel like an overwhelming mountain. We must learn to approach God’s presence, receive His reassurance and find rest in Him.
“Another wasted day, sitting in the immigration office,” I thought. “Could the officers move any slower?” They seemed intent on taking as long as possible! Just when our passports were about to reach the top of the pile, the officers took a tea break.
You never knew how long the tea break would be. Thirty minutes? An hour or two?
Finally, they returned. I could see across the room that our family’s passports were on the officer’s desk. My heart pounded. I tried to stay busy with the book I’d brought along. Would our visa be approved or denied?
It wasn’t easy to control my mind. “What if we had to leave the country?” Our kids were settling into school so well. They’d made friends. A sudden departure would be hard on them. And on me.
“God, please help me calm down and rest in you!” I prayed. I knew God had called us there. I needed to trust Him to keep us there too.
In Exodus 33, Moses is faced with a stressful challenge related to travel. God had told him to take the people to the land of promise. “Get going.” God says in verse one. Then Jehovah announces in verse three “I will not travel with you.” What?? That must have been hard to hear!
God was frustrated with the stubborn, rebellious hearts of the people. He did not want to “destroy them on the way.”
Moses goes into the Presence of God at the Tent of Meeting. He cries out for God to go with them. Without the Lord by their side, Moses declares, “we can not go up from here.”
The Lord reassures the one leader He has called His friend.
“My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”
Exodus 33:14
How Moses needed to hear that from the Lord! If God was with them, they could face the difficulty. After hearing this promise, he was able to rest and move forward.
When we face visa challenges and difficult immigration situations, we can follow Moses’ example. “I can’t go,
You may not have a physical tent to go into as Moses did. You likely do have a special place in your house where you regularly meet with Jesus. Get alone with Him and tell Him how you feel. Pour out the worries, fear,
If Moses couldn’t go into the Promised Land without God as a traveling companion, neither can we.
God calls us to go and live in places where governments are not friendly to Christians. These challenges have increased in recent years. Persecution and government surveillance are growing in many places missionaries live and work.
Our situations are changing but God is still the same. He is the one who parted the Red Sea so the Israelites walked on dry ground. He is the God who opened prison doors for Paul and Silas to walk free.
Every missionary holds Matthew 28:18-20 with high regard. It is this command to go and make disciples in all nations that compels us to do what we do.
Jesus knew the challenges we would face in stepping out to do this mission. He knew the battles we would face and the stress of travel, visas and immigration issues. That is why He promised to be with us.
“And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”
Matt. 28:20 NLT.
He is with you when you walk through the immigration line. Or fill out that application form. Find rest in His promised presence.
What scriptures do you meditate on when facing visa challenges? Let me know in the comments or on the Missionary Life Insiders page.
