Living faithful, fruitful and fulfilled on the mission field
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Shame is a powerful emotion. It easily controls our actions and abilities. Social researcher, Brene Brown, defines shame as “the fear that we’re not good enough.” As missionaries, we battle feelings of shame regularly. This is never truer than when in the long process of learning a language. God desires to meet us here. He wants to set us free.
Shame is rooted in a sense of unworthiness. “I am terrible at language learning!” we may say, berating and belittling ourselves. “Why can’t I speak this language better?”
Frustration mounts as we grapple with a rising sense of shame. The “I shoulds” take over. “If I were a better missionary, I should at least able to hold a decent conversation! I should be able to understand people. How will I ever make a difference here?” we say to ourselves. This kind of self-talk is not helpful. The enemy wants to drive you into a deep hole, a chasm filled with a sense of worthlessness.
A therapist friend once told me, “Don’t should on yourself!” I try to avoid telling myself I should do anything! It’s rarely helpful.
God desires to meet you in this uncomfortable place. It is natural to feel these things as you press through the pain of language learning. When shame rises, He wants to come and remind you once again where your worthiness comes from. The Father longs to reveal afresh that you are His beloved child.
His perfect love drives out every sense of failure and unworthiness. He establishes you in His love, giving the power to press on as you go through the messy middle part of learning to speak another language.
Language learning for the cross-cultural missionary is an unending process. As soon as I get to a point where my language ability is decent, a transition happens. We move. Visa situations change. Suddenly we find ourselves once again in another context that requires us to learn yet another language and culture.
There are a few missionaries who stay in the same country and context for a lifetime. They become fluent and don’t keep facing this. For many of us, however, we are continually in some kind of a language learning state. Feelings of inadequacy in language learning are constant.
On New Year’s Eve, my husband and I were invited to a friend’s house for dinner. It was wonderful to have been invited. We are so grateful for the good relationships we’ve been able to develop with those in our neighborhood. The dinner didn’t go so well though.
Our language level isn’t where we want it to be. We sat down and tried to talk to people. Using the little language we know, the conversations were short and awkward. When we switched to English, it was the reverse. They couldn’t speak much English either. There was another foreigner there who seemed to do just fine. It was hard not to feel envious of their ability to communicate with ease.
Feelings of shame and awkwardness rose within. I pushed the feelings down.
“Keep trying! These people have no one else in their life to share Jesus with them,” I told myself. It took everything inside of me just to stay, to not run away to a more comfortable environment.
I thought to myself, “Maybe this was a mistake. We should have just hung out with our other missionary friends tonight.” I had to battle shame, unworthiness, and a great sense of discomfort just to stay there. Not leaving was a victory in and of itself.
When we finally got to the end of what we could handle, we politely excused ourselves. We were exhausted. It wasn’t a relaxed and fun New Year’s Eve. Part of the weariness was from trying to function in another language. Much of it was from battling with shame and unworthiness.
Language learning can be tough. It is not a short-lived pain, it’s a marathon that requires great endurance.
“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.”
Brene Brown
I’m a runner who enjoys the challenge of long-distance races. One thing I’ve noticed with running though is that my mood greatly affects my ability to run. When I am feeling hopeful and happy, running is a lot of fun. When I am discouraged, it feels hard and draining.
Staying emotionally hopeful while you are language learning is critical to success. This means you must regularly go back to God to find hope. He alone gives us the strength we need to battle the natural feelings of shame and unworthiness as we learn a new language.
Recognize that feelings of shame about language ability is extremely common. It’s a very normal part of missionary life. Everyone who works cross-culturally faces this from time to time. You are not a bad missionary because you struggle with language. Don’t suppress what you are feeling. Acknowledge those feelings for what they are. Own them. This is the first step to freedom.
Meditate on the truth that Jesus died on the cross to take away our shame. Our Lord paid for sin and shame on Calvary. He died to set us free. His blood covers all our mistakes, failures, and inadequacies. Not only is our sin removed. That sense of not being good enough to be acceptable…He took that too. You are “good enough” because of what He did on the cross. Our worthiness comes from Him alone.
Take a minute and tell yourself this. Say, “I am worthy because Jesus loved me enough to die for me, not because I speak the language well.”
Be reminded today that God’s love for you is unconditional. Your performance has nothing to do with His love for you. Not in language learning, not in ministry, not in anything. It just doesn’t. You can hold your head high today because you are His beloved. He is well pleased with you. Not because of what you do, or your abilities, but simply because you are His.
Let me repeat this once again. Your worthiness comes not from how well you speak the language. It comes from being His beloved child. Let that truth sink deep. Chew on it.
If you are struggling with a sense of shame and unworthiness as a missionary, be honest about it with someone you trust. It may or may not have to do with language learning. Perhaps you feel shame in another area of sin or failure. Vulnerability is key to overcoming shame. Find a friend you can tell about how you feel. Ask for prayer.
James said to confess your sins one to another and be healed (James 5:16). Confession works not only with sin. It is a powerful way to combat shame as well.
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
James 5:16
Don’t stay stuck in the shame spiral. It will never lead toward fruitful, faithful living on the mission field.
How do you grapple with feelings of inadequacy in your language ability? What is your “go-to” scripture or action? I’d love to hear about it in the comments or on the Missionary Life Facebook Group!
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The Times reported that in 2019 alone, 69 people were killed in mass shootings. (And the year’s not over yet! Yikes!). Even in countries that used to be considered safe, churches are taking precautions to protect those who attend. On the mission field, safety is of great concern as well. How do we stay safe, and keep our children safe, in view of the threats we face?
In the last few weeks I’ve been sharing insights gained from conversations with my friend Joe Malhoit, a former investigator with the FBI. Last week I shared the first two questions every missionary should ask to stay safe on the field. Today, we will look at the other two.
Safety matters to God. While missionaries often risk their lives and must be willing to go to dangerous places, we also need to use wisdom. Being well prepared to respond to threats can save precious lives.
It’s not spiritual to be unprepared or ignorant. It is foolish.
Sometimes as Spirit-filled believers, we can be a bit lazy. We say things like, “God will protect me.” This is true. So is this. God gave us a good mind and expects us to use it. Don’t ignore safety issues, then blame God when things spiral into a crisis.
When I was a teenager, a coup d’etat took place in Liberia. In the midst of that crisis, a group of soldiers came to our gate. They were going door to door, looting homes and raping women.
I will never forget that day. I hid behind curtains, staring out as they approached…wondering what would happen. It was tense. It was threatening. I was a vulnerable child.
I’ve never asked my parents how prepared they were that day. I am not sure what they would have done if the soldiers had entered our home. I’m confident God would have helped us. As a child though, I had no idea what to do.
Thankfully, our neighbors spoke up for us and the soldiers moved on. They didn’t enter our home. God did protect us. The emotion-charged men could have come in. Another time they might have.
Let’s return to those key questions. I’m sure these questions would have helped my missionary parents prepare for that scenario better.
We talked last week about the first two questions we must ask to stay safe. Let’s add a few more as we consider these kinds of scenarios.
My friend Joe says, “This is a very important and personal question. It needs to be answered before a violent confrontation. Not everyone is willing to do violence to stop violence.
Ask yourself what you are willing to do.
“If you decide you’re willing to do violence to stop violence, making that decision is an important step. You are willing to protect yourself and those around you. Next, you need to know what you can use to fight back with. In most environments, there are many things that can be used.“
“Fire extinguishers can be sprayed at an attacker. A flag pole makes a good spear. An ink pen can be jabbed into someone’s leg who has grabbed you.“
“You are constantly surrounded by useful improvised weapons. Get into the habit of identifying them before a crisis.”
Look around the room right now. What do you see that could be turned into a weapon? Got some ideas? Okay. Next question.
“Before violence starts identify safe places. Know beforehand which local authorities, if any, are trustworthy. Is there another missionary or aid group operating in the area? Could they help or give refuge in a crisis?“
“Does your home country have official offices nearby? Do you know the phone number of your consulate? Have it on speed dial on your phone? You need a plan of 1) how to contact people and 2) how to reach safe locations. This must be in place before a crisis.“
“When the coup d’etat, earthquake, riot, or tsunami hits, you won’t have time to search the internet. Be prepared. It could save your life and others too.”
“Think about when you get on an airplane. The staff runs through a safety briefing. They show you where the exits are. They point to the location of flotation devices.”
“The airline staff are locking what to do in a crisis into your motor memory. If something happens, this will help you avoid freezing or panicking.”
“An airline disaster is fast and devastating. It is similar to a violent encounter or attack. These can also be fast and devastating. On the mission field, you have a much greater chance of being in a violent encounter than an airline crash.“
“Shouldn’t you prepare for it at least as well?”
Take time in your team, or with your spouse this week, to discuss the above questions. I so appreciate my friend and his expertise. After talking with Joe, my husband and I spoke at length about these safety matters. They seem far off and are definitely not critical today. Urgent ministry preparation feels more important. It’s really not.
Not if you want to be sustained on the mission field. Not if you want to be healthy and prepared so you stay safe and help others too.
Why not make a plan this week? Think through possible safety scenarios that are relevant for your context. Feel free to share those with me by email, in the comments below or on the Missionary Life Facebook group.
In the meantime, stay safe!
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Some people are spontaneous, their plans change often. They try something new at a moment’s notice. I like free-spirited people. Spontaneity is a highly held virtue when it comes to romance and marriage. It can help keep your relationship fresh and alive. Healthy habits and rituals, though, are the foundation of a good missionary marriage.
In this series of blogs on missionary marriage, I will suggest some habits to develop. These are key tools to establish a strong marriage in the mission field. Good habits have helped my husband and I significantly increase the pleasure and joy in our marriage. They’ve kept us on track when the pressures of an intense field ministry threaten our relationship.
John Maxwell, Christian author, and leadership trainer says this about habits. “If your habits don’t line up with your dream, you need to either change your habits or change your dream.”
What is the dream God has given you for your marriage? Do you long for your relationship to be a model of Christ’s love for the church? Something that the people you disciple and reach out to can see, and be drawn to the Lord? Do you desire a marriage that is a source of life and strength for you in the midst of battles and difficulties?
If your dream and reality aren’t quite matching up, there is hope. Healthy habits and rituals can help you move from your present reality to where God wants you to live.
My husband and I have always valued our marriage. On our wedding day, as we stood before friends and family and declared our deep desire to honor the Lord in our relationship. We promised in the sight of God to love each other well.
That hasn’t always been easy.
A few years after getting married, I remember talking to a single friend. We were talking about holiness. She felt she was doing quite well. God was helping her live without sin.
“Just wait ‘till you get married!” I exclaimed. “Marriage will teach you that you are a sinner in need of God!” Indeed, marriage exposed my selfishness and pride in surprising ways.
We have now been married for more than thirty years. God has been faithful. We’ve had some wonderful years. There have also been some very hard times in our married life.
Some years ago, we hit our lowest point. We sought counsel and help. Our counselors encouraged us to establish new habits, new ways of operating in our marriage.
It took time, but as we put those things in place and began to regularly practice them, things began to shift. By God’s grace, we came through that season. Today our marriage is stronger than ever before.
The storms of life still come. Spiritual attacks and ministry pressures haven’t gone away. They no longer threaten our marriage though, like they once did.
“And He came to Nazareth, where He had been brought up; and as was His custom, He entered the synagogue on the Sabbath, and stood up to read. “
Luke 4:16 NASB
In this verse, we read about one of Jesus’ habits. “As was His custom…” it says. Jesus had a habit of regularly going to the synagogue on the Sabbath. This custom was important in his life. It helped him maintain His relationship with His Father and the community of faith. Our customs and habits make a huge difference in who we are and how we live.
Some of the most important habits we’ve developed are: daily prayer together, planned times of romance and intimacy, a weekly logistics meeting, doing DTRs (Daily Temperature Readings), Reflective Listening, valuing one another’s desires, and exercising together.
I’ll describe these briefly here, then develop several of them further in future articles. You may not feel all these are relevant for you. That’s okay. Choose a few that seem like they would help the most and begin to work on those.
1. Daily Prayer Together
Even if it is short, praying together daily makes a huge difference in our marriages. We ask one another the question, “How can I pray for you today?” Then we take 5-10 minutes to lift one another up to God.
2. Scheduled Times of Intimacy
This doesn’t need to be legalistic, but we have found it helpful to plan to be intimate. Consider scheduling times to be close at the same time and day (or days) every week. We both look forward to and anticipate that time. By doing this, we don’t neglect this important area of married life when things get busy.
3. Weekly Logistics Meeting
Every Saturday morning, after our long run together, we go out for breakfast and then have a logistics meeting. In that meeting, we talk about things we need to plan, prepare for, or get done to keep our family running smoothly. Having a designated time for this keeps us from having to talk about these things on our date night.
4. Daily Temperature Reading Exercise (DTR)
Sharing of appreciation, new information, puzzles, complaints with a request for change and lastly, hopes and dreams are the steps in this 20-minute regular communication exercise.
5. Reflective Listening
Learning how to listen and truly hear each other has been a marriage-saving thing for us!
“What do you want?” Is a great question to regularly ask your spouse. Another great one is “What do you need from me right now?”
7. Physical Exercise Together
Especially as we age, regular exercise is vital for missionary health. Doing this together is fun and builds your relationship too.
Rituals are things you routinely do. You do them the same way, every day at the same time. They become so much a part of your life that you don’t have to think about them. You just do them.
I have a coffee ritual in the morning. I get up and do the exact same thing…every single day. Some athletes have special rituals they go through before every game.
Develop your own unique (and meaningful) marriage rituals to improve your relationship. Do you struggle with being affectionate enough? Start making it a ritual to give a hug or kiss each night before going to sleep. Or start a ritual of complimenting your spouse each morning when you first see them.
Do these things every day for a month, and they will start to become a ritual. Keep doing them for a year and you will not have to think about it anymore. The benefits of this are exponential. Small habits add up to big improvements!
What marriage rituals could you begin this week?
Talk with your spouse today about one thing you could make into a healthy marriage ritual. Let me know what you’ve decided on in the comments below or share with our missionary community on the Missionary Life Facebook page. I’m sure others will be inspired by your ideas.
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