Do You Feel Like They Don’t Really Listen?

“I’ve told him how I feel so many times. It’s like I am talking to a brick wall. Nothing I say sinks in!” These thoughts circled through my mind, making me feel miserable. My husband and I were talking, but definitely not communicating.

It was like playing a losing game. We each threw the ball, but neither of us caught it.

Communication only happens when both the sender and receiver connect. If the person on the other side of your “talking” doesn’t understand what you say, you haven’t communicated.

Poor communication is a typical marriage problem. It takes much of the pleasure out of our relationships.

Reflective Listening

Reflective listening is a skill everyone can learn. It can dramatically improve communication in all your relationships, especially your marriage. You learn to request feedback. Each person takes time to confirm that understanding has occurred.

This can radically change the level of communication between spouses. It’s a simple, but vital skill to learn if you want to have an effective marriage.

Our Need to Be Heard

I feel loved when am heard and understood. There is a deep longing in every human to find someone who “gets you,” who is “with you.” It’s part of the beauty of marriage.

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Gen 2:18 NIV

God understood the human need for companionship. Adam needed a friend to share his life with. He felt alone. God provided Eve.

The sad reality is that in many marriages…yes, even missionary marriages…we still feel alone.

Loneliness is a powerful emotion. One of the causes of loneliness is that we have not learned to listen to each other well. No feedback loop is happening when we talk.

Hearing and Agreeing Are Not the Same

When my husband and I learned reflective listening, it radically changed our marriage. Even as recently as a few days ago, we had a conflict between us. We were not seeing eye to eye on something. We were both talking, but no one was listening! Those communication “balls” were being thrown but not caught.

We set aside some time where we wouldn’t be distracted. We sat on our porch and did a reflective listening exercise.

As we did this, we were able to “hear” each other again. Our viewpoints hadn’t changed that much, but feeling heard made all the difference.

Now we could work on the issues together. We could come to a positive decision about how to move forward. We both felt loved and understood, even if the other person didn’t agree with us fully.

Hearing and agreeing are not the same. You don’t have to agree with everything your spouse says! That would be to give up your individuality and personhood. You do have to be willing to “want to understand” and to truly “hear” your spouse. As we do this, many problems are automatically solved.

What is Reflective Listening?

It is called “reflective” listening because instead of replying, you reflect back what they are saying. Think of yourself as a mirror.

One person speaks. The other person listens. After a few sentences, the listener then repeats back what they heard the other person say. They summarize in their own words. The other person then can agree that this is correct, or they can clarify.

In reflective listening do not reply to what they said. Be careful not to react. Just repeat back what you heard.

Then, switch roles. Now the other person speaks and the original speaker listens and reflects.

The Goal is Hearing Each Other

The goal of reflective listening is to truly hear one another. Instead of listening, we are often busy creating a defensive response. We filter what is being said through our hurts, wounds, background, and emotional baggage.

We think the person is saying one thing… when they are actually saying something entirely different. Reflective listening prevents harmful miscommunication in marriage.

We have found it helpful after one person speaks to prompt the other person by asking the question, “What do you hear me saying?” This encourages a reflective response. It is much better than asking “What do you think?” Sharing what you think can come later. It is easier after you’ve really heard each other.

A Reflective Listening Example

Husband (playing the listening role): Tell me what you are feeling and thinking about our son.

Wife (playing the speaking role): I feel sad and angry. I am hurt by his rebellious words and attitudes. I don’t think we should let him go out with his friends if they are going to affect him in such a negative way. I feel like you let him do whatever he wants and don’t even notice what is going on in his life!

Husband: I can see that you are feeling hurt, sad and frustrated. You don’t think its good to let our son associate with these friends. You feel like I’m not paying attention to what is happening. Is that right?

Wife: Yes, and this makes me angry with you as well!

Husband: Hmmm. Can you tell me a bit more?

Wife: I feel like if you loved our son, you would be taking some action to discipline him.

Husband: I hear you saying that you wish I would take more action. That it would make you feel like I loved our son. Am I understanding you?

Wife: Yes! That is how I feel! I mean I know you do love him, but I am really frustrated and afraid. Thanks for listening to me. I really appreciate it. It’s your turn now.

Wife (playing the listening role now): Please share what you are thinking and feeling about this.

Husband (playing the speaking role): I feel like you blame me for our son’s problems. I work hard in ministry all day. When I come home, I am faced with your anger. I am doing the best I can but I feel like you attack me.

Wife: I hear you saying that you work hard but feel like I am blaming you for our son’s issues.

Husband: That’s right! It’s not my fault that he is struggling and I don’t know how to fix it! I wish I did. I wish we could work together on this and pray together for him rather than fighting.

Wife: I hear you saying that you wish we could work together to help him rather than being angry with each other. Am I hearing you correctly?

Husband: I know I haven’t been as involved with him as you want me to be. I don’t really know what to do to help him. I love you and I love our son. But we really need God’s help!

The two take turns listening and reflecting. They don’t give opinions or reactions but give each other the wonderful gift of being heard. Then, when they have fully done that, they can pray together. They can start looking together for solutions.

Give Reflective Listening a Try!

Why not do a reflective listening exercise with your spouse or a team member this week? If there are big issues, set aside time for one person to speak and the other to listen. Then set another time to change roles. You will be surprised at how much this helps!

When you try this, let me know how it goes. Comment below or in the Missionary Life Facebook group.