How to Cope with Shame as You Learn a New Language
Shame is a powerful emotion. It easily controls our actions and abilities. Social researcher, Brene Brown, defines shame as “the fear that we’re not good enough.” As missionaries, we battle feelings of shame regularly. This is never truer than when in the long process of learning a language. God desires to meet us here. He wants to set us free.
Shame is rooted in a sense of unworthiness. “I am terrible at language learning!” we may say, berating and belittling ourselves. “Why can’t I speak this language better?”
Frustration mounts as we grapple with a rising sense of shame. The “I shoulds” take over. “If I were a better missionary, I should at least able to hold a decent conversation! I should be able to understand people. How will I ever make a difference here?” we say to ourselves. This kind of self-talk is not helpful. The enemy wants to drive you into a deep hole, a chasm filled with a sense of worthlessness.
A therapist friend once told me, “Don’t should on yourself!” I try to avoid telling myself I should do anything! It’s rarely helpful.
God desires to meet you in this uncomfortable place. It is natural to feel these things as you press through the pain of language learning. When shame rises, He wants to come and remind you once again where your worthiness comes from. The Father longs to reveal afresh that you are His beloved child.
His perfect love drives out every sense of failure and unworthiness. He establishes you in His love, giving the power to press on as you go through the messy middle part of learning to speak another language.
Drain and Shame on New Year’s Eve
Language learning for the cross-cultural missionary is an unending process. As soon as I get to a point where my language ability is decent, a transition happens. We move. Visa situations change. Suddenly we find ourselves once again in another context that requires us to learn yet another language and culture.
There are a few missionaries who stay in the same country and context for a lifetime. They become fluent and don’t keep facing this. For many of us, however, we are continually in some kind of a language learning state. Feelings of inadequacy in language learning are constant.
On New Year’s Eve, my husband and I were invited to a friend’s house for dinner. It was wonderful to have been invited. We are so grateful for the good relationships we’ve been able to develop with those in our neighborhood. The dinner didn’t go so well though.
Our language level isn’t where we want it to be. We sat down and tried to talk to people. Using the little language we know, the conversations were short and awkward. When we switched to English, it was the reverse. They couldn’t speak much English either. There was another foreigner there who seemed to do just fine. It was hard not to feel envious of their ability to communicate with ease.
Feelings of shame and awkwardness rose within. I pushed the feelings down.
“Keep trying! These people have no one else in their life to share Jesus with them,” I told myself. It took everything inside of me just to stay, to not run away to a more comfortable environment.
I thought to myself, “Maybe this was a mistake. We should have just hung out with our other missionary friends tonight.” I had to battle shame, unworthiness, and a great sense of discomfort just to stay there. Not leaving was a victory in and of itself.
When we finally got to the end of what we could handle, we politely excused ourselves. We were exhausted. It wasn’t a relaxed and fun New Year’s Eve. Part of the weariness was from trying to function in another language. Much of it was from battling with shame and unworthiness.
Language learning can be tough. It is not a short-lived pain, it’s a marathon that requires great endurance.
“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.”
Brene Brown
I’m a runner who enjoys the challenge of long-distance races. One thing I’ve noticed with running though is that my mood greatly affects my ability to run. When I am feeling hopeful and happy, running is a lot of fun. When I am discouraged, it feels hard and draining.
Staying emotionally hopeful while you are language learning is critical to success. This means you must regularly go back to God to find hope. He alone gives us the strength we need to battle the natural feelings of shame and unworthiness as we learn a new language.
3 Things We Need to Realize About Shame
1. It’s normal.
Recognize that feelings of shame about language ability is extremely common. It’s a very normal part of missionary life. Everyone who works cross-culturally faces this from time to time. You are not a bad missionary because you struggle with language. Don’t suppress what you are feeling. Acknowledge those feelings for what they are. Own them. This is the first step to freedom.
2. It’s paid for.
Meditate on the truth that Jesus died on the cross to take away our shame. Our Lord paid for sin and shame on Calvary. He died to set us free. His blood covers all our mistakes, failures, and inadequacies. Not only is our sin removed. That sense of not being good enough to be acceptable…He took that too. You are “good enough” because of what He did on the cross. Our worthiness comes from Him alone.
Take a minute and tell yourself this. Say, “I am worthy because Jesus loved me enough to die for me, not because I speak the language well.”
3. It’s not what matters.
Be reminded today that God’s love for you is unconditional. Your performance has nothing to do with His love for you. Not in language learning, not in ministry, not in anything. It just doesn’t. You can hold your head high today because you are His beloved. He is well pleased with you. Not because of what you do, or your abilities, but simply because you are His.
Let me repeat this once again. Your worthiness comes not from how well you speak the language. It comes from being His beloved child. Let that truth sink deep. Chew on it.
Share With Someone
If you are struggling with a sense of shame and unworthiness as a missionary, be honest about it with someone you trust. It may or may not have to do with language learning. Perhaps you feel shame in another area of sin or failure. Vulnerability is key to overcoming shame. Find a friend you can tell about how you feel. Ask for prayer.
James said to confess your sins one to another and be healed (James 5:16). Confession works not only with sin. It is a powerful way to combat shame as well.
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
James 5:16
Don’t stay stuck in the shame spiral. It will never lead toward fruitful, faithful living on the mission field.
How do you grapple with feelings of inadequacy in your language ability? What is your “go-to” scripture or action? I’d love to hear about it in the comments or on the Missionary Life Facebook Group!