Living faithful, fruitful and fulfilled on the mission field
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“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:37 NIV.
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“I’ve told him how I feel so many times. It’s like I am talking to a brick wall. Nothing I say sinks in!” These thoughts circled through my mind, making me feel miserable. My husband and I were talking, but definitely not communicating.
It was like playing a losing game. We each threw the ball, but neither of us caught it.
Communication only happens when both the sender and receiver connect. If the person on the other side of your “talking” doesn’t understand what you say, you haven’t communicated.
Poor communication is a typical marriage problem. It takes much of the pleasure out of our relationships.
Reflective listening is a skill everyone can learn. It can dramatically improve communication in all your relationships, especially your marriage. You learn to request feedback. Each person takes time to confirm that understanding has occurred.
This can radically change the level of communication between spouses. It’s a simple, but vital skill to learn if you want to have an effective marriage.
I feel loved when am heard and understood. There is a deep longing in every human to find someone who “gets you,” who is “with you.” It’s part of the beauty of marriage.
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Gen 2:18 NIV
God understood the human need for companionship. Adam needed a friend to share his life with. He felt alone. God provided Eve.
The sad reality is that in many marriages…yes, even missionary marriages…we still feel alone.
Loneliness is a powerful emotion. One of the causes of loneliness is that we have not learned to listen to each other well. No feedback loop is happening when we talk.
When my husband and I learned reflective listening, it radically changed our marriage. Even as recently as a few days ago, we had a conflict between us. We were not seeing eye to eye on something. We were both talking, but no one was listening! Those communication “balls” were being thrown but not caught.
We set aside some time where we wouldn’t be distracted. We sat on our porch and did a reflective listening exercise.
As we did this, we were able to “hear” each other again. Our viewpoints hadn’t changed that much, but feeling heard made all the difference.
Now we could work on the issues together. We could come to a positive decision about how to move forward. We both felt loved and understood, even if the other person didn’t agree with us fully.
Hearing and agreeing are not the same. You don’t have to agree with everything your spouse says! That would be to give up your individuality and personhood. You do have to be willing to “want to understand” and to truly “hear” your spouse. As we do this, many problems are automatically solved.
It is called “reflective” listening because instead of replying, you reflect back what they are saying. Think of yourself as a mirror.
One person speaks. The other person listens. After a few sentences, the listener then repeats back what they heard the other person say. They summarize in their own words. The other person then can agree that this is correct, or they can clarify.
In reflective listening do not reply to what they said. Be careful not to react. Just repeat back what you heard.
Then, switch roles. Now the other person speaks and the original speaker listens and reflects.
The goal of reflective listening is to truly hear one another. Instead of listening, we are often busy creating a defensive response. We filter what is being said through our hurts, wounds, background, and emotional baggage.
We think the person is saying one thing… when they are actually saying something entirely different. Reflective listening prevents harmful miscommunication in marriage.
We have found it helpful after one person speaks to prompt the other person by asking the question, “What do you hear me saying?” This encourages a reflective response. It is much better than asking “What do you think?” Sharing what you think can come later. It is easier after you’ve really heard each other.
Husband (playing the listening role): Tell me what you are feeling and thinking about our son.
Wife (playing the speaking role): I feel sad and angry. I am hurt by his rebellious words and attitudes. I don’t think we should let him go out with his friends if they are going to affect him in such a negative way. I feel like you let him do whatever he wants and don’t even notice what is going on in his life!
Husband: I can see that you are feeling hurt, sad and frustrated. You don’t think its good to let our son associate with these friends. You feel like I’m not paying attention to what is happening. Is that right?
Wife: Yes, and this makes me angry with you as well!
Husband: Hmmm. Can you tell me a bit more?
Wife: I feel like if you loved our son, you would be taking some action to discipline him.
Husband: I hear you saying that you wish I would take more action. That it would make you feel like I loved our son. Am I understanding you?
Wife: Yes! That is how I feel! I mean I know you do love him, but I am really frustrated and afraid. Thanks for listening to me. I really appreciate it. It’s your turn now.
Wife (playing the listening role now): Please share what you are thinking and feeling about this.
Husband (playing the speaking role): I feel like you blame me for our son’s problems. I work hard in ministry all day. When I come home, I am faced with your anger. I am doing the best I can but I feel like you attack me.
Wife: I hear you saying that you work hard but feel like I am blaming you for our son’s issues.
Husband: That’s right! It’s not my fault that he is struggling and I don’t know how to fix it! I wish I did. I wish we could work together on this and pray together for him rather than fighting.
Wife: I hear you saying that you wish we could work together to help him rather than being angry with each other. Am I hearing you correctly?
Husband: I know I haven’t been as involved with him as you want me to be. I don’t really know what to do to help him. I love you and I love our son. But we really need God’s help!
The two take turns listening and reflecting. They don’t give opinions or reactions but give each other the wonderful gift of being heard. Then, when they have fully done that, they can pray together. They can start looking together for solutions.
Why not do a reflective listening exercise with your spouse or a team member this week? If there are big issues, set aside time for one person to speak and the other to listen. Then set another time to change roles. You will be surprised at how much this helps!
When you try this, let me know how it goes. Comment below or in the Missionary Life Facebook group.
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“Soon I will be going home. I am excited to see family, but I am dreading the support-raising part of it. I really need God’s help to get into the right mindset.” These words flowed out of my friend’s mouth a month or so ago. The task of gaining financial support for your ministry in the mission field can really be a challenge.
Most missionaries feel like my friend at times. Some people experience such a dislike for raising support they delay going back home. Others go home but return to the field with barely enough to make ends meet. Why is fundraising so difficult?
At the root of this issue is the way we think about raising support.
Missionaries need good financial support. It helps us to be faithful, fruitful and fulfilled on the mission field.
Fundraising doesn’t have to be difficult if we change our mindset.
This missionary task is part of the joyful life God has called us to. We must learn to see it that way! When you share about missions and the ministry you do, God deeply uses you to impact others’ lives. Christians in your home area need to hear about your missions vision. They need to partner with you and give to your missions vision more than you need them to! Helping you gives them a chance to obey Christ’s Great Commission. As we change our way of thinking about this, fundraising becomes easier. We get much better results too.
Last year I taught a group of South Asian national missionaries about developing ministry partners. One of them, an Indian man in his 40s, had been hesitant to come to the training. A few years before he had attended a similar training. Afterward, he had tried to raise support. But he still struggled to buy his food and pay his most basic of bills. My heart went out to him. He truly was suffering in the area of finances. There was never enough.
Curious, I asked him what the previous training had been like. I wanted to understand what he had tried to do in the area of fundraising. Then I could better help him.
“We learned how to make profiles and prayer cards. I created a list of all the possible contacts I could share my ministry vision with. We even practiced doing that. But it didn’t work. I didn’t even get one new supporter!”
That sounded hard. I wondered what had gone wrong. It seemed like he had learned some good skills.
Then he said something that opened my eyes to what the real problem was. “I felt like a well-trained beggar,” he said. Sadness and shame were evident on his face as he said it.
God never asked us to be beggars and it’s not part of our missionary call! We are sons and daughters of the King. How horrible that he felt that way in this aspect of his missionary life. Sadly many, many missionaries feel the same as him.
Over the next few days of training, this man experienced a major shift in his mindset. He wasn’t begging people to help him financially. Instead, he was inviting them to become partners with him in reaching the unreached. He was giving them a chance to give, pray and take part in making disciples as Jesus had commanded.
With this changed mindset, after the training, in only a few weeks, he more than doubled his support.
“And God is able to make all grace abound to you so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” 2 Corinthians 9:8 NIV
God desires those He calls to the mission field to have enough to live in a financially healthy way. We may not become rich. I am not saying there won’t ever be times where we need to “tighten our belts” and be very careful with our money. But we can’t afford to allow our struggles with finances to cause us to be distracted from the main work God has called us to. We must pursue solutions in this area.
If finances is an area you are having difficulties, don’t stay stuck there. Do something to move forward. Here are some steps that can help.
First, address the issue of feeling like a beggar if that is there. Bill Johnson of Bethel Church says, “You can’t afford to think thoughts about yourself that God doesn’t think about you.” If you have thought of yourself as a beggar, repent. Ask God’s forgiveness.
When we get stuck in a poverty mindset, we see ourselves as helpless. We then look to others to do this part of the job for us. When leaders or rich friends don’t come through in raising support for us, we get discouraged. Sometimes we even get bitter toward them.
Stop blaming others for a problem that God can help you solve. God wants to help you find a solution to your financial issues together with Him!
He will show you the way forward if you determine to do what you can do. Don’t look to people from richer nations or to wealthy relatives alone for help. Often the most faithful supporters and ministry partners are people of little means. They give a small amount but are consistent and faithful in providing financial support for your vision.
If you have never had training in how to raise ministry partners, I recommend you get some. There are many great courses offered by different organizations at various locations. I hope one day soon we will be able to offer an online course on this.
If you’d like to be put on a list of those who will be notified when that is offered, use the form at the bottom of this post. If a lot of people sign up, we will definitely make it a higher priority to get this developed and available soon.
In the meantime, if you fill out the form, I will send some things to help you. You’ll get summaries of good books on this topic and a few other resources too.
Don’t wait and just hope things will get better. That is not faith. Faith almost always demands action on our part. Take a step forward.
What can you do?
-Sign up for info about the future online course we will offer.
-Research options for fundraising training in your area.
-Download a book about how to raise ministry partners (sign up and we will send you a list).
-Find a mentor or coach for this area of your life.
-Pray and ask God what He wants you to do to move forward.
What is one thing you will do this week to develop better financial support?
Feel free to ask questions or share your comments on the Missionary Life Facebook page. Or contact me via Twitter.
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