Circles of Intimacy- Who Do I Share With?
What does it mean to live an authentic, transparent life as a leader in ministry? Who do you share what with? Is it appropriate for everyone to know the deep challenges you walk through? Is it somehow false or wrong to “keep secrets” or not reveal the whole truth about a struggle you are facing? These are important questions for missionary leaders to ask.
Authenticity and transparency are important hallmarks of humble and powerful leaders in the Kingdom of God. It is out of the reality of our struggles, valleys, and the victories fought and won that we speak with authority. Our life messages to others- whether before a crowd or in a one on one mentoring time- come from this place.
Developing Circles of Intimacy
As leaders, we need to develop various circles of intimacy and access. Danny Silk has excellent material on this topic. Some of the ideas below are from his teachings.
Jesus – Our Most Intimate Friend
The person in the inner most circle, with the greatest intimacy and access to our heart, is Jesus. Having an authentic, open, real relationship with Him, where we feel free to tell him exactly what we think, feel and are experiencing is absolutely critical to our spiritual health. In that place, we listen to His voice, cry on His shoulder, and receive comfort… this is the place of greatest nakedness in our lives.
No one should have greater access to our hearts and our deepest “secrets” than our Lord. We meet with Him in that place of absolute honesty, naked and without shame, in our very worst and very best of times.
Only Jesus is worthy of this level of access. Only He can provide for us the level of unconditional love and acceptance needed for this kind of “exposure.”
Best Friends or Spouse
The next circle out includes best friends or a spouse. This person knows what is happening in our lives. We chose to be real, honest and emotionally naked before them, sharing the reality of our lives and current struggles. Our sin, frustrations with God, other people, and even with ourselves, are shared with these friends.
This person has a place of great privilege, deep intimacy, trust, and openness. A
These people have greater access to us as well. They are the ones who can walk into our office without an appointment, who we take time to communicate with on a daily basis, etc.
Family and Closest Disciples
The next circle is a place for family or your closest mentors and disciples. Again, we give greater access and information to them and we expect a high level of communication from them. There is reciprocity in the relationship, and we are willing to invest highly here. We share deeply who we are and what we are going through, as well as giving them the same opportunity to do so with us.
Family members and those you work with on a regular basis may be included in the circle mentioned above or they may not. This depends on the relationship, commitment and primarily on the level of trust and reciprocity you experience.
When trust is broken, you may need to remove someone from the inner circle. They no longer have the privilege of the same kind of access they once were given.
Crowds, Strangers and Enemies
The circles continue outward, with lessening levels of access, intimacy,
With those in the outer circles, you are still real, honest and authentic, but you are selective in the level of exposure of yourself. You are guard more carefully what you share with them. This is part of what Jesus spoke of when He said to be as wise as serpents and as gentle as doves. It is critical in the lives of leaders that we work hard to stay authentic, open and real and to have people in those inner circles of access and intimacy- places where we are able to share our deepest pain and struggles.
And it is essential, in our walk with God, that we reach and maintain a level of intimacy and access with Him where we can be absolutely naked and without shame before the God who loves us with a love that no human being can replicate or replace. We do not need to feel guilty, or “false”, when we deny access to information about ourselves, or do not share the details of our lives with those in the outer circles. It is as unwise to share too much with those people as it is to walk naked through the streets. You open yourself up to abuse and problems if you strip yourself before them.
Time and Energy
It is also necessary to deny free access of your time and energy to those in outer circles. Though you love them and care about their needs and issues, if time and energy flow to the outer circles, it will be taken away from those who you need to give to. Time and energy are limited resources. Never feel bad about saying, “I don’t have time or energy right now, I ’ll check my calendar and get back to you,” with those who are not in
Even, in crisis situations, we can not let them intrude into our lives in a way that robs those who deserve our time, attention and energy from getting what they need and deserve from us. When we do so, we will pay a price and the quality of intimacy and relationship with God and those closest to us will suffer.
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Be careful, be wise, be vulnerable, and pursue intimate and real relationships. Keep secrets. Share secrets. Be real. Be authentic. Be discerning. Manage and regulate your energy and time and give it most to those who have earned that place and where you know the investments you make will bring great returns. As you do this, your overall circles of influence will widen and many will be touched and changed by who you are and the impact you have.
The above blog was originally published on ywamfrontiermissions.com in October 2014.