When Disappointment Makes a Heart Feel Sick
Before I went into missions I had a grand desire to do something meaningful with my life. I think most of us long for something like that. Our search for meaning and purpose can leave us feeling disappointed with God or ourselves. Disappointment in how our lives have turned out can bring a sense of sadness or even depression. Let me explain through a few examples.
When my husband asked me to marry him on bended knee, I looked into his loving eyes and said “Yes!” I had great excitement and anticipation of the happy marriage that would be before us.
Another precious moment was when I held my firstborn son (and all my kids for the first time!) I gazed into his tiny open eyes with wonder and love. My heart overflowed with delight and a hopeful confidence that many joys of motherhood were ahead.
Similarly, when I first realized the freedom of forgiveness, I thought that sin was finished in my life forever. I thought, “How could I ever go back to futility?“
Yet in each of these areas of life, as time has passed, there has been both joy and pain; ministry, family, marriage, and yes, even in my relationship with God.
Starting Excited
We start most new seasons with excitement and the expectation that everything will be wonderful. This can later turn as sour as rotten milk. A deep disappointment rises to the surface when “real life” catches up with us. Expectations are a double-edged sword.
Expectation propels us forward into the future, as we work for what we dream of. They can also be a source of deep internal pain and frustration if they are unfulfilled. How do we navigate this tension and unfortunately reality with grace and godliness?
Experiencing Family Pain
The bitter pain of family disappointment hit me hard some years ago. I’d been praying for a situation in my family. Instead of getting better, it seemed to get worse. After years of prayer for this situation, I realized I’d started to avoid that topic in my prayers. I was still working for God, praying, and reading my Bible. I was unwilling to speak to God about my internal distress over this particular problem in my family.
Finally, I went on a long solitary walk in the woods and poured out my heart to God. I realized as the words flowed out of my mouth and the tears down my cheeks that the brokenness I felt over these tender lost dreams was killing hope and joy. I was “heartsick” with the painful, seemingly unchangeable brokenness in our family.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12
Recognizing this helped me to be honest in my prayers to God and to once again speak to Him about the pain of our broken condition. I realized there was pain related to the family situation, but there was also additional frustration due to God’s seeming lack of intervention. The Bible is filled with records of God’s answers to prayer. It also contains many cries of distress (laments) over His apparent inaction.
Below are a few examples of those kinds of prayers in Scripture.
- How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save? Hab 1:2
- My soul is in deep anguish. How long, LORD, how long? Ps 6:3
- God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Mk 15:34
Seeking His Perspective
After crying out to God in honesty and lament, I was then free to ask Him for his perspective on this family situation. That meant I needed to go back and consider what I was expecting or hoping for. I wanted each of my family members to be walking closely with God. To live up to their potential, gifting, and to become coworkers in the Great Commission (not necessarily full-time workers, but to be active in disciple-making). As I pondered this hope, I realized I had an idealistic image of “the perfect family.” I was heartbroken about how far we were from that glossy picture.
As I continued to think about this, I asked myself, “What do I want God to do? What is it that would make me satisfied?” I realized my expectations were not aligned with God’s. I wanted God to override my child’s free will, to “make” them be good. I wanted them to do what I thought was best for them, rather than allowing God to shepherd them on the unique path they are on.
My attitude needed to change. God gently revealed the truth in my own sinful heart. A big part of why I so strongly wanted them to change, was because it made me look bad as a parent if my children weren’t doing well. Ouch! That was not a fun thing to come to grips with. My disappointment was rooted in pride.
I worried that people would look down on me because of my children. When a spiritual leader would say “All my children are following the Lord” as proof of their success, I felt deep pain inside. Noticing other “perfect” families around me I would have feelings of comparison and jealousy. My reputation was being tarnished and I felt ashamed.
God revealed that I was taking responsibility for choices that were not mine. My husband and I can train our children, we can pray for them, but only they can choose to surrender to God and allow Him to transform their lives.
I was fearful that they would be punished, or cut off from God. There were false beliefs about who God is and how He operates. They needed to be repented of. As I went through this process with God, it felt like weights were lifted off. The chains of sin, shame, and false expectations were broken.
A Fresh Hope Dawned In My Heart
I reread the promises God had spoken. He wanted to “renew my hope” by helping me to lay down expectations of what I thought God should do. I could receive fresh hope from God and pray for what He wanted to do.
My hope is built on the fact that God loves my family more than I do. My trust rests in the knowledge that God hears and answers my prayers. He is more persistent in his wooing love than I could ever be. He alone is my judge – no one else – and He will both correct and reward me righteously.
Going through this tender process, I realized that hope and expectation are not the same things. Expectations need to be thrown off. Hope needs to be worn like a life jacket in a stormy sea. Expectations can drown us. Hope lifts us up.
Holding expectations over others or ourselves makes us driven, controlling, or exasperated. Hope, rather, gives us the courage to keep going each day even through terrible, hard-to-understand circumstances.
We do not live in a fairy tale where everything will be ‘happily ever after”. We live in a world of blood, sweat, and tears. We are promised ‘trouble” in this world by Jesus. So why are we so disappointed when we get it?
The way forward is not to try to avoid trouble. We must also embrace the second half of Jesus’ promise: “Take heart, I have overcome the world”.
How Do We “Take Heart”?
To “take heart” means to be bolstered up from the inside. To be strengthened within. To be warm-hearted. That is what was happening in my heart as I turned to God and exchanged my broken expectations for hope in Him.
Because Jesus is the Victor, I hold onto Him. He is the shepherd chasing after my prodigal child. It is Jesus who will comfort, restore, and wipe away tears from our eyes. He is the one who will bring all things together, and ensure that the knowledge of Him will fill the earth. It is ultimately our Master who will resurrect us and do away with death, and anguish forever.
Therefore, I do not give up hope, but put my trust in the fulfillment of that hope in Jesus himself. Won’t you join me in this?
“Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Is 40:31
Our hope must be in the Lord. Not in people, or a change in circumstances, or even ourselves.
What Expectations Are You Carrying?
Is there anything you feel “heartsick” about? Anything you are resentful towards God about in your past or current situation? Tell God about it – confess it before Him. Be willing to expose the causes of the pain – even your own false expectations, or wrong motives. Remind yourself of what God promised you.
Scriptures To Meditate On:
If you can identify with the feelings in this article, here are some scriptures to meditate on:
We know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until the present time. Not only that, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved, but hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he can already see?
But if we hope for what we do not yet see, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weaknesses. For we do not know how we ought to pray, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans too deep for words. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. Rm 8:22-27
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Rm 15:1
That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day. 2 Tim 1:12
Allow God to speak to you about areas of disappointment in your personal or ministry life. Take a walk or set aside a time to lament and cry out to Him. He will meet you there. Our prayers are with you!
*This blog was written by a guest author with many years of experience in the mission field. R.M.