Can Rituals Help Improve a Missionary Marriage?
Some people are spontaneous, their plans change often. They try something new at a moment’s notice. I like free-spirited people. Spontaneity is a highly held virtue when it comes to romance and marriage. It can help keep your relationship fresh and alive. Healthy habits and rituals, though, are the foundation of a good missionary marriage.
In this series of blogs on missionary marriage, I will suggest some habits to develop. These are key tools to establish a strong marriage in the mission field. Good habits have helped my husband and I significantly increase the pleasure and joy in our marriage. They’ve kept us on track when the pressures of an intense field ministry threaten our relationship.
Change Your Habits or Change Your Dream
John Maxwell, Christian author, and leadership trainer says this about habits. “If your habits don’t line up with your dream, you need to either change your habits or change your dream.”
What is the dream God has given you for your marriage? Do you long for your relationship to be a model of Christ’s love for the church? Something that the people you disciple and reach out to can see, and be drawn to the Lord? Do you desire a marriage that is a source of life and strength for you in the midst of battles and difficulties?
If your dream and reality aren’t quite matching up, there is hope. Healthy habits and rituals can help you move from your present reality to where God wants you to live.
It’s Not Always Been Easy
My husband and I have always valued our marriage. On our wedding day, as we stood before friends and family and declared our deep desire to honor the Lord in our relationship. We promised in the sight of God to love each other well.
That hasn’t always been easy.
A few years after getting married, I remember talking to a single friend. We were talking about holiness. She felt she was doing quite well. God was helping her live without sin.
“Just wait ‘till you get married!” I exclaimed. “Marriage will teach you that you are a sinner in need of God!” Indeed, marriage exposed my selfishness and pride in surprising ways.
We have now been married for more than thirty years. God has been faithful. We’ve had some wonderful years. There have also been some very hard times in our married life.
Some years ago, we hit our lowest point. We sought counsel and help. Our counselors encouraged us to establish new habits, new ways of operating in our marriage.
It took time, but as we put those things in place and began to regularly practice them, things began to shift. By God’s grace, we came through that season. Today our marriage is stronger than ever before.
The storms of life still come. Spiritual attacks and ministry pressures haven’t gone away. They no longer threaten our marriage though, like they once did.
“And He came to Nazareth, where He had been brought up; and as was His custom, He entered the synagogue on the Sabbath, and stood up to read. “
Luke 4:16 NASB
In this verse, we read about one of Jesus’ habits. “As was His custom…” it says. Jesus had a habit of regularly going to the synagogue on the Sabbath. This custom was important in his life. It helped him maintain His relationship with His Father and the community of faith. Our customs and habits make a huge difference in who we are and how we live.
Important Marriage Habits
Some of the most important habits we’ve developed are: daily prayer together, planned times of romance and intimacy, a weekly logistics meeting, doing DTRs (Daily Temperature Readings), Reflective Listening, valuing one another’s desires, and exercising together.
I’ll describe these briefly here, then develop several of them further in future articles. You may not feel all these are relevant for you. That’s okay. Choose a few that seem like they would help the most and begin to work on those.
1. Daily Prayer Together
Even if it is short, praying together daily makes a huge difference in our marriages. We ask one another the question, “How can I pray for you today?” Then we take 5-10 minutes to lift one another up to God.
2. Scheduled Times of Intimacy
This doesn’t need to be legalistic, but we have found it helpful to plan to be intimate. Consider scheduling times to be close at the same time and day (or days) every week. We both look forward to and anticipate that time. By doing this, we don’t neglect this important area of married life when things get busy.
3. Weekly Logistics Meeting
Every Saturday morning, after our long run together, we go out for breakfast and then have a logistics meeting. In that meeting, we talk about things we need to plan, prepare for, or get done to keep our family running smoothly. Having a designated time for this keeps us from having to talk about these things on our date night.
4. Daily Temperature Reading Exercise (DTR)
Sharing of appreciation, new information, puzzles, complaints with a request for change and lastly, hopes and dreams are the steps in this 20-minute regular communication exercise.
5. Reflective Listening
Learning how to listen and truly hear each other has been a marriage-saving thing for us!
“What do you want?” Is a great question to regularly ask your spouse. Another great one is “What do you need from me right now?”
7. Physical Exercise Together
Especially as we age, regular exercise is vital for missionary health. Doing this together is fun and builds your relationship too.
Little Marriage Rituals Go a Long Way
Rituals are things you routinely do. You do them the same way, every day at the same time. They become so much a part of your life that you don’t have to think about them. You just do them.
I have a coffee ritual in the morning. I get up and do the exact same thing…every single day. Some athletes have special rituals they go through before every game.
Develop your own unique (and meaningful) marriage rituals to improve your relationship. Do you struggle with being affectionate enough? Start making it a ritual to give a hug or kiss each night before going to sleep. Or start a ritual of complimenting your spouse each morning when you first see them.
Small Changes Done Regularly Add Up
Do these things every day for a month, and they will start to become a ritual. Keep doing them for a year and you will not have to think about it anymore. The benefits of this are exponential. Small habits add up to big improvements!
What marriage rituals could you begin this week?
Talk with your spouse today about one thing you could make into a healthy marriage ritual. Let me know what you’ve decided on in the comments below or share with our missionary community on the Missionary Life Facebook page. I’m sure others will be inspired by your ideas.