Living faithful, fruitful and fulfilled on the mission field
When I was ordained as a pastor, I was given a book called “Choosing to Cheat.” That’s a strange title, I thought. The author wrote about the danger of cheating on our spouses by giving our best time and energy to the ministry we do. …
Some people are spontaneous, their plans change often. They try something new at a moment’s notice. I like free-spirited people. Spontaneity is a highly held virtue when it comes to romance and marriage. It can help keep your relationship fresh and alive. Healthy habits and …
“Why can’t he be more reasonable? He always wants to make love! Doesn’t he know I’m exhausted from taking care of the kids all day and the demands of our ministry?” said one missionary wife confiding in her closest friend. A husband told his accountability partner, “She is always nagging about wanting to take the kids on a special holiday. We don’t have money to waste on that! We need to save our money for the annual missions conference we are supposed to go to. That is our top priority, not relaxing and doing nothing for a week up in the mountains!” The desires and needs of husbands and wives are often quite different. Learning to value one another’s desires is necessary for maintaining a healthy marriage.
My husband and I haven’t always done well at this. There have been times where I thought his desires were unimportant. “If only he would want the right things, then I would take those desires seriously!” I thought. There was pride in my heart.
At times, he felt the same way toward me.
We have a tendency, as humans, to be selfish. It is our unredeemed nature. It is “natural” to think that what is important to us, is what is truly important. This doesn’t work well in family relationships.
In marriage, we must learn to hold one another’s desires (and needs) in high regard. What is important to our spouse needs to be important to us too. This is true even when those desires are radically different from our own. Undervaluing or disregarding our spouse’s desires is a pathway to marital strife. It doesn’t reflect Jesus. He loves His bride, the church. We too must show our love by valuing the desires of our spouse.
For years my husband dreamed about a camping trip through Northern California. Whenever he had free time, he watched You Tube videos about camper vans. I would walk into the room and there he would be…watching yet another description of some unique camper with all it’s little pop-up parts and cubicles. It was fascinating to him. For me it was boring and a waste of time.
The thought of spending money on that kind of holiday felt ridiculous to me. If we ever had money to spend on a holiday, we should go to the beach and stay in a nice hotel. That would be so much more relaxing!
From time to time, my hubby would bring up the idea of a camping trip. I always quickly dismissed it. “That’s not in our budget!” I would declare. Lots of other things made it into the budget though…things that were important to me. Like doing further studies. Or ministry needs. But definitely not a camping trip…that was not important.
The truth is, it wasn’t important to me. It was definitely important to my husband.
This was not a need in our lives. It was, however, a long-held desire in my beloved’s heart.
Years ago, we went through a very difficult time in our marriage. During that time, one of the important lessons we learned was to value one another’s desires. What is important to my husband needs to be important to me. Sometimes I had so disregarded my husband’s desires that he didn’t even mention them anymore.
He already knew I wouldn’t value those things. This was not good for our marriage or for his health and well-being either. He needed the freedom to dream, to want certain things. He needed to know I would value those desires and do all I could to make those things happen for him. I needed that from him as well.
Last summer we took that camping trip. Being out in nature was beautiful and fun. Though it still wouldn’t have been my choice of how to spend our vacation, I was delighted to do something that made my hubby so happy. I had come to a place where his dreams and desires were truly important for me to see fulfilled.
“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
Psalm 37:4 NIV
Our marriages are to be a reflection of the relationship of Christ and the church. As we delight in Jesus, as we seek to honor and love Him, He delights in fulfilling our dreams. Our “wants” matter to Him. God is an incredibly good God who loves to give us the things we deeply desire.
One thing that has helped my husband and I grow in this area has been to regularly do a Desires Exercise. We learned this during the marriage counseling we went through during our “rough patch.”
This doesn’t need to take a long time to do. Even ten or fifteen minutes can be enough. We often do this at the beginning of the day or week.
Take turns asking each other the question, “What do you want?”
Say the first thing that comes into your mind. Then repeat the question back to the other person.
Keep doing this until deeper desires start to surface.
Don’t respond or react to the other person’s desire. Listen well. Give them a chance to say what they want and acknowledge it as valuable. You may want to make notes so you can pay careful attention to your spouse’s desires.
Here is an example of a Desires Exercise.
Husband: What do you want?
Wife: I want to relax. I am really tired of being so busy. What do you want?
Husband: I want to work on my computer. What do you want?
Wife: I want you to help me with the laundry. What do you want?
Husband: I want to eat momos tonight. What do you want?
Wife: I want to go out for dinner. I am tired of cooking all week. What do you want?
Husband: I’d like to make love. It’s been a long time since we have been intimate. What do you want?
Wife: I want you to play with the kids. You’ve been so busy and they are missing you. What do you want?
You get the idea. Keep going back and forth until nothing more comes into your mind when asked the question, “What do you want?” Don’t just say, “I don’t want anything.” That is a common temptation, especially when we feel our desires will not be valued.
After doing this exercise, have a short discussion about what was expressed. Thank the other person for being willing to be honest and share their desires. Tell them that you value those things and want to find ways to make those things possible.
You may not be able to fulfill your spouse’s every desire. But you can give the gift of valuing those things. You can pray and ask God to help you find a way to hold those desires in high regard. God is completely ready to come alongside you as you do all you can to be a blessing to your spouse. Many things that will be expressed will be within your power to give. But first, you have to value them.
One thing our marriage counselor told us has really stuck with me through the years. “If it is important to him, it is important to you.” This simple shift in my thinking has brought a lot of change to our marriage. I stopped judging my husband’s desires. That wasn’t my job. My job was to value and cherish those desires. He changed as well. My desires and dreams took on much greater value for him too.
Do you know what your spouse wants? When is the last time you asked them and truly listened? Take time this week to do a Desires Exercise. You may learn something new about your most important partner and friend. Demonstrate your love by valuing what they value. In doing so, you will be growing more like Jesus.