Three Habits to Make Your Marriage Strong and Healthy
When I was ordained as a pastor, I was given a book called “Choosing to Cheat.” That’s a strange title, I thought. The author wrote about the danger of cheating on our spouses by giving our best time and energy to the ministry we do. Instead, he wrote, we need to choose to “cheat on” our ministry and give our best to our marriage.
It is easier said then done.
As leaders in ministry, we are passionate about what we do. The weight of our vision and plans weigh heavy on us at times. We’ve given ourselves fully to God and His work. This is right and good. It is not God’s will, however, that your spouse is at the bottom of your priority list.
It is easy to take our wives or husbands for granted. We know they are committed to us. They love us unconditionally. We know they will stand by us even when we are not our best selves. Unthinkingly, we give them the scraps left over at the end of a long, full, ministry day. This is not fair to our spouses, nor is it good for the ministry.
Having a healthy, pleasurable marriage is God’s will. When your marriage is strong, it impacts others around you in wonderful, positive ways. Your love relationship with your spouse becomes a source of life and joy. That blessing overflows to many. If we desire to impact the least, last and lost, investing in your marriage is not optional.
Life in a Fishbowl
My neighbors watch me. They see the way I take care of our garden. My exercise routines are known to them. When we are out of town, they know about it. I don’t always like feeling like a fish in a fishbowl. It sometimes makes me feel a bit exposed. It’s a reality though.
One of my neighbors in Thailand recently built a high wall around his house. We can’t see in and they can’t see out. This is not common. More often, people see you. You may not think they pay attention, but they do.
I like to walk and run in my neighborhood. One day I was walking with one of my Thai neighbors. Somehow the topic of my husband came up. “You are so lucky,” they said. “You have a very good husband.” They had observed the kindness with which he treats me. Visiting our home, they had seen flowers on my table that he bought to bless me. Our marriage was noticed and impacted those around us. When we are at peace with one another, people feel that when they enter our home.
The other day, here in the USA, a neighbor said to me, “I feel a sense of peace coming from your home.” It surprised me. It’s the presence of Jesus in us as we love and care for one another.
Keeping our marriage happy and healthy requires effort. We’ve also put some habits in place that help.
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8 ESV.
Three Habits for a Healthy Marriage
1. Express appreciation daily.
If I had to choose one habit out of many to emphasize to other couples, I would choose appreciation. Fix a time each day when you speak out two or three sentences of appreciation for your spouse to them. Be specific and show that you notice both who they are and what they do.
You can say things like:
“I appreciate that you work hard to keep our house clean.”
“I appreciate your deep passion for the lost.”
“I appreciate how hard you work to provide for us.”
I think you get the idea. Appreciation lifts the spirit and connects the heart.
When is the last time you spoke out words of appreciation to your wife or husband?
2. Set fixed times to communicate and plan.
A few years ago my husband and I started setting aside time every Saturday morning for a planning meeting with each other. In the midst of our busy ministry, we had a hard time keeping up with our own lives and family. By setting this time aside regularly, it saved us from having to try to ask each other about family needs in the midst of a busy workday. We would simply write it down on a list and then have it ready for our regular weekly meeting.
In that meeting, we talked about things like our travel schedules. Upcoming holidays, birthday plans, financial issues, and decisions, were on the agenda. Our personal hopes and dreams, hobbies, etc. had space to be talked about as well. It has helped us immensely to have this regular time to communicate about “us.”
At first, it felt formal and a bit strange to be having a “meeting” about such things with my spouse. The pressure it relieved was well worth our initial awkwardness! Try doing this for a month, setting aside one hour every week for communication and planning about your lives together. I can almost guarantee that this will improve your marriage.
3. Listen well.
Especially when things get busy or stressed, it is hard to truly “hear” one another. We don’t take time to listen well, but tend to react and defend ourselves. Instead, practice reflective listening. Take turns speaking where the other spouse simply repeats back in their own words what they heard being said. Learning to listen well and reflect back is an important marriage skill! It makes the other person feel valued and heard.
In the last article on healthy singleness, I mentioned the author of the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Peter Scazzero. This author and his books have changed me greatly and I highly recommend them.
Scarzzero’s writings were where I first felt challenged to let my ministry flow out of my marriage. Instead of simply maintaining our marriages to make sure our ministry survives, we can develop and invest in our marriages. Out of them, life and health overflow into our ministry.
Which of the three habits mentioned above will you work on this week?
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