Do You Need to Have a “Crucial Conversation” With a Team Member?

Paul Akin, of the Gospel Coalition, writes this. “The most common reason missionaries go home isn’t due to lack of money, illness, terrorism, homesickness, or even a lack of fruit or response to the gospel. Regretfully, the number one reason is a conflict with other missionaries.” If you are a missionary, you may doubt whether this is the #1 reason. But you would never doubt that it is in the top three or four! Am I right? It doesn’t need to be this way. As missionaries, we can learn how to have effective “crucial conversations” with others in our teams. We must make the effort to equip ourselves to do this and do it well.

When our teams are dysfunctional it affects every aspect of our missionary life. We are not as fruitful and we don’t feel fulfilled. We struggle to stay faithful to our calling when greatly frustrated. Motivation goes down and discouragement sets in.

We Were Stuck and Dysfunctional as a Team

I wish I could say I am an expert and have fully mastered the art of having crucial conversations. I may be a few steps ahead of some, but these are skills we have to keep working on throughout our missionary career.

In one team I served on, it seemed like we could never make progress. The accepted culture of the team had deteriorated to a silent cynicism. People didn’t show up for meetings on time. When we raised a question for discussion, everyone was quiet. No one seemed to have an opinion they were willing to express. There was one team member who everyone seemed fearful of upsetting. It wasn’t good. We certainly weren’t demonstrating God’s kingdom well! How would we ever accomplish our goal of starting churches among the unreached? Something needed to change.

It was time for a “crucial conversation.” Thankfully, a friend of mine, a police officer in the States, recommended a book (see below). As I applied the lessons learned in it, things began to turn around on the team.

When do You Need to Have a “Crucial Conversation”?

There are many times when we need to have important, crucial conversations. Unless we are willing to step into the uncomfortable zone, our team vision will falter. You can learn how to have these conversations with skill and positive outcomes. Or you can avoid them, and throw away your effectiveness as a team.

The book my friend recommended is called “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.

While I encourage you to buy and carefully read the entire book, here are some of my personal gleanings from it.

Crucial Conversations Book: Take-Aways

In the book, the authors describe a crucial conversation as having three characteristics.

• Opinions vary
• Stakes are high
• Emotions run strong

Sound like your team right now? Teams I have both led and served on have often had those three characteristics!

On page 11, it says, “In the best companies, everyone holds everyone else accountable – regardless of level or position. The path to high productivity passes not through a static system, but through face-to-face conversations at all levels.”

Everyone holds everyone else accountable. In my organization, Disciple Makers Increase, we use the phrase “Friendly Accountability.” In great organizations and teams, you can confront each other. If this is true in the business world, how much more true should it be on missionary teams! Amen? You can use grace, honesty, and love to confront, without it becoming a huge ordeal. There is trust, respect, and kindness used when you call each other out. You need to have a conversation like this when something has been done that isn’t in line with the vision and values of your team.

How do you get there? How do you move from dysfunction to a place where that kind of healthy accountability is functioning? Crucial conversations must take place.

STEP ONE: FREE FLOWING DIALOGUE

The first step they describe in the book is the importance of free-flowing dialogue. Skilled team members learn how to get the important information out in the open.

“At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories. They willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular.” (p 20)

Whether you are the team leader or a member, you can help create a safe place for everyone’s opinions. All thoughts and feelings are free to be shared. You don’t want people in the group to withdraw into silence (the authors call it Salute and Mute). Nor do you want people to be violent (verbal or manipulative attacks). Neither of these leads to good solutions.

We need to take action to create environments in our teams where these behaviors are not the norm. Instead, encourage the free flow of dialogue. Make sure all the important information gets shared and is “on the table.”

STEP TWO: STAY WITH HEART

The third chapter of the book is called “Stay with Heart: How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want.”

Before the “crucial conversation” takes place, examine your own motives and heart. Prepare for the conversation ahead of time with these three questions.

• What do I really want for myself?
• What do I really want for others?
• What do I really want for the relationship?

By writing out the answers to these questions, you can understand your own desires.

For example, you might answer them this way.

• I really want us to work well together as a team. I want us to accomplish our God-given vision to start a church in this unreached area. I want to feel valued and free to use my gifts in this team.
• I genuinely want the others on the team to enjoy being a part of this ministry. I want them to be happy and fulfilled.
• I want a good working relationship with this person. I want them to know I love and care for them and I want to feel that from them too. I don’t need to be their best friend but I want to feel like we are more than acquaintances or simply work colleagues.

Knowing what you want for yourself, others and the relationship helps you stay on track. This helps when the conversation starts to heat up. At that point, remind yourself of what you really want. This helps you not to focus on “winning” the argument or somehow punishing the other person for bad behavior. That isn’t the goal.

STEP THREE: USE TOOLS

In the book, they describe many tools, but one I found very helpful was the use of contrasting statements.

My purpose is NOT to…
My purpose IS to…

This statement brings clarity to your heart. Your motivations are clear from the beginning of the conversation.

You might say something like, “My purpose is not to hurt you or make you feel bad. My purpose is to see our team function well so we can do what God called us to do here.”

No More Silent, Nor Violent, Allowed

James wrote about team conflicts and interpersonal relationships quite a lot. In closing, I want to remind us of this verse.

“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”- James 13:17 NIV

Let’s determine not to go silent (Salute and Mute). Neither can we become violent (whether that shows up in aggressive or passive-aggressive ways). Instead, let’s learn the skills we need to be considerate, honest, impartial, and sincere. This will lead to much greater fruitfulness in God’s kingdom. It will lead to much greater fulfillment and joy in our lives as well.

Do you need to have a “crucial conversation” this week?

Share about this in the comments below or on the Missionary Life Facebook group. We’re happy to stand with you in prayer as you take this step to address team issues.