Living faithful, fruitful and fulfilled on the mission field
One of my friends has a coffee mug that says, “I don’t like morning people- or mornings- or people.” It brings a smile to my face. Yep. I’ve felt that way before! Some people are terribly difficult to deal with. This can be especially true …
“Be perfect, therefore, as your Heavenly Father is perfect.” Have you ever read Matt. 5:48 and thought, “Does God really expect me to be perfect?” He does have a high standard of holiness. Our Father wants us to become like Him. This can feel heavy …
“I’ve told him how I feel so many times. It’s like I am talking to a brick wall. Nothing I say sinks in!” These thoughts circled through my mind, making me feel miserable. My husband and I were talking, but definitely not communicating.
It was like playing a losing game. We each threw the ball, but neither of us caught it.
Communication only happens when both the sender and receiver connect. If the person on the other side of your “talking” doesn’t understand what you say, you haven’t communicated.
Poor communication is a typical marriage problem. It takes much of the pleasure out of our relationships.
Reflective listening is a skill everyone can learn. It can dramatically improve communication in all your relationships, especially your marriage. You learn to request feedback. Each person takes time to confirm that understanding has occurred.
This can radically change the level of communication between spouses. It’s a simple, but vital skill to learn if you want to have an effective marriage.
I feel loved when am heard and understood. There is a deep longing in every human to find someone who “gets you,” who is “with you.” It’s part of the beauty of marriage.
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Gen 2:18 NIV
God understood the human need for companionship. Adam needed a friend to share his life with. He felt alone. God provided Eve.
The sad reality is that in many marriages…yes, even missionary marriages…we still feel alone.
Loneliness is a powerful emotion. One of the causes of loneliness is that we have not learned to listen to each other well. No feedback loop is happening when we talk.
When my husband and I learned reflective listening, it radically changed our marriage. Even as recently as a few days ago, we had a conflict between us. We were not seeing eye to eye on something. We were both talking, but no one was listening! Those communication “balls” were being thrown but not caught.
We set aside some time where we wouldn’t be distracted. We sat on our porch and did a reflective listening exercise.
As we did this, we were able to “hear” each other again. Our viewpoints hadn’t changed that much, but feeling heard made all the difference.
Now we could work on the issues together. We could come to a positive decision about how to move forward. We both felt loved and understood, even if the other person didn’t agree with us fully.
Hearing and agreeing are not the same. You don’t have to agree with everything your spouse says! That would be to give up your individuality and personhood. You do have to be willing to “want to understand” and to truly “hear” your spouse. As we do this, many problems are automatically solved.
It is called “reflective” listening because instead of replying, you reflect back what they are saying. Think of yourself as a mirror.
One person speaks. The other person listens. After a few sentences, the listener then repeats back what they heard the other person say. They summarize in their own words. The other person then can agree that this is correct, or they can clarify.
In reflective listening do not reply to what they said. Be careful not to react. Just repeat back what you heard.
Then, switch roles. Now the other person speaks and the original speaker listens and reflects.
The goal of reflective listening is to truly hear one another. Instead of listening, we are often busy creating a defensive response. We filter what is being said through our hurts, wounds, background, and emotional baggage.
We think the person is saying one thing… when they are actually saying something entirely different. Reflective listening prevents harmful miscommunication in marriage.
We have found it helpful after one person speaks to prompt the other person by asking the question, “What do you hear me saying?” This encourages a reflective response. It is much better than asking “What do you think?” Sharing what you think can come later. It is easier after you’ve really heard each other.
Husband (playing the listening role): Tell me what you are feeling and thinking about our son.
Wife (playing the speaking role): I feel sad and angry. I am hurt by his rebellious words and attitudes. I don’t think we should let him go out with his friends if they are going to affect him in such a negative way. I feel like you let him do whatever he wants and don’t even notice what is going on in his life!
Husband: I can see that you are feeling hurt, sad and frustrated. You don’t think its good to let our son associate with these friends. You feel like I’m not paying attention to what is happening. Is that right?
Wife: Yes, and this makes me angry with you as well!
Husband: Hmmm. Can you tell me a bit more?
Wife: I feel like if you loved our son, you would be taking some action to discipline him.
Husband: I hear you saying that you wish I would take more action. That it would make you feel like I loved our son. Am I understanding you?
Wife: Yes! That is how I feel! I mean I know you do love him, but I am really frustrated and afraid. Thanks for listening to me. I really appreciate it. It’s your turn now.
Wife (playing the listening role now): Please share what you are thinking and feeling about this.
Husband (playing the speaking role): I feel like you blame me for our son’s problems. I work hard in ministry all day. When I come home, I am faced with your anger. I am doing the best I can but I feel like you attack me.
Wife: I hear you saying that you work hard but feel like I am blaming you for our son’s issues.
Husband: That’s right! It’s not my fault that he is struggling and I don’t know how to fix it! I wish I did. I wish we could work together on this and pray together for him rather than fighting.
Wife: I hear you saying that you wish we could work together to help him rather than being angry with each other. Am I hearing you correctly?
Husband: I know I haven’t been as involved with him as you want me to be. I don’t really know what to do to help him. I love you and I love our son. But we really need God’s help!
The two take turns listening and reflecting. They don’t give opinions or reactions but give each other the wonderful gift of being heard. Then, when they have fully done that, they can pray together. They can start looking together for solutions.
Why not do a reflective listening exercise with your spouse or a team member this week? If there are big issues, set aside time for one person to speak and the other to listen. Then set another time to change roles. You will be surprised at how much this helps!
When you try this, let me know how it goes. Comment below or in the Missionary Life Facebook group.
“Hope is hard sometimes,” I thought, contemplating the impossible situation before me. “I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. Is it worth hoping things can change?” Semi-hopeless thoughts ran through my mind. It is important not to put our hope in the wrong …
We all depend on the instant modes of communication the Internet provides us today. As missionaries, we can quickly connect with new donors, send updates, and collaborate on projects. We can even share our faith online. Is this safe? After you have been on the …
“The police are raiding our offices,” said the Whatsapp message. “I got a phone call yesterday. We are under investigation,” another leader fearfully announced. The same day, a different leader sent me pictures. They were distributing thousands of gospel books at a religious festival in his area. Prayer for the sick, sharing their testimonies, they were bold. Many heard the gospel for the first time. Two leaders. Very different responses. How do we balance boldness and wisdom when persecution is increasing?
It may be different for foreigners and nationals. Visa issues affect foreigners differently than nationals. Many issues though are the same.
How would God want us to respond when faced with these security challenges? The first is to acknowledge that fear is not bad. It’s a God-given response to threat. Staying fearful, however, or living in fear is not God’s plan.
Living in constant anxiety and fear is not His way. The Bible says God has not given us the spirit of fear but of love, joy, peace and a sound mind (2 Tim. 1:7). He also tells us not to worry about anything, but to pray about everything (Phil. 4:6-7). A further scripture tells us, though, to “be wise as serpents and as innocent as doves.” (Matt 10:16)
What does it mean to use both wisdom and boldness in our witness under threatening circumstances?
I was traveling to a high-risk country. I’d been invited to speak in an underground discipleship training there.
Boarding the plane, I found my seat. Next to me sat a mother with her daughter. We started a conversation. I too was a mom. She and her husband had gone outside of the country on holiday. They’d had a great vacation there. She was friendly and well-spoken.
It didn’t take long before we were chatting like old friends. I shared with her about my three children, now grown. We laughed about funny things kids do. She told me her family was involved in the government.
The country I was flying into was very anti-Christian as far as the government was concerned.
Taking a bold step, I shared my testimony with her. Feeling nervous, I toned it down a bit. As I spoke, in the back of my mind, I wondered who else might be listening to me on that plane.
I worried even as I was speaking to her about who she might be related to in government. What would they do if they found out I was a boldly witnessing Christian?
My heart turned heavenward, “Lord, do you want me to continue to go for it with this woman? Or is that foolish?”
She listened to my testimony politely and with interest. “I visited a church in England once,” she said.
When the plane landed, she walked with me to the exit. An invitation was extended as we parted to come to her home for a meal. It was a dilemma and I needed to think fast. Uncertainty filled my mind. If I said yes, and made plans, would it put my hosts at risk? I shot up a quick prayer. “What do I do Lord?”
Having to decide on the spot, I chose not to proceed with a visit to their home. In this high-security context, I was a newcomer. I decided not to pursue a relationship with her. Was I too timid? Or was I being wise? I still am not sure.
Peter is a great Biblical example for us of what Holy Spirit led boldness looks like. Was I more like Peter or more like Thomas that day?
“Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.” When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.
Acts 4:12-13 NIV.
We look to Scripture for answers. What can we learn from the response of Paul and others in the New Testament? They certainly faced threats much like ours.
After the Holy Spirit came upon the disciples at Pentecost (Acts 2), there was a new boldness in them. Peter (who had been afraid and betrayed Christ), preached in front of thousands.
He walked into a temple and stepped out boldly to pray for a lame man.
God rewarded that faith and a miracle took place. The power of the Holy Spirit was obviously prompting Peter to take the risk, in spite of the difficult political and religious climate.
Jesus taught his disciples to expect to suffer. In Matthew 5:10-11 Jesus told them they were blessed when persecuted. He said to expect it to come. “Blessed are you when people insult you…”
Though at times they feared these trials and all it would mean, they were not surprised by suffering. Missionary life includes hardship, as does normal Christianity. If we accept this from the beginning, rather than expecting “the good life,” we will not be shocked when it comes.
When God spoke, or the Holy Spirit prompted them, they obeyed. Circumstances didn’t determine what they would do, the leading of the Holy Spirit did. Paul heard the call of the man from Macedonia. He responded, changed his plans, and went.
Paul and Silas, arrested and jailed, didn’t moan and groan. They didn’t wonder why God had allowed this terrible thing to happen to them. They rejoiced and worshipped God. As they worshipped, an earthquake shook the prison, opened their chains, and led to the salvation of the Philippian jailer.
At times, God instructs us to leave. There is a time to flee. In Acts 9:25, we read of Paul’s friends helping him escape over a wall because there were threats against him. It is not always right to stay and be martyred. Sometimes, it is best to get out of there. This is what it means to exercise wisdom with discernment.
This is not an easy topic and there are no simple answers. When do you boldly go for it and share with someone when you are in a risky environment? There are no formulas.
It is clear in scripture though, that the gospel spreads when God’s people are willing to lay down their lives for the sake of the lost. History backs that up. Wisdom and boldness are both necessary if we want to reach the least, last and lost around us.
When do you think it’s appropriate to take risks? When should we be most cautious to share the gospel? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below or on the Missionary Life Facebook group.
“Soon I will be going home. I am excited to see family, but I am dreading the support-raising part of it. I really need God’s help to get into the right mindset.” These words flowed out of my friend’s mouth a month or so ago. …
Hardship is not a popular topic. “Three Reasons You Should Embrace Suffering,” is probably not going to make a list of best-selling book titles. Yet in our lives as believers, hardship is something we must embrace. Popular Christian preachers tell us God doesn’t want suffering …
When I was starting out as a missionary, I was quite concerned about my finances. This is a word that God spoke to me:
“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”
Is 46:4.
It was such an encouraging promise! God does not want us to stress about money. We should not worry about it, or spend our lives chasing financial security. God wants us to partner with Him, as He grows our character through learning to manage the money He entrusts to us.
A friend of mine was teaching in India at a member care seminar. She was encouraging all the missionaries to have a savings plan for the future – for retirement and old age. At the end of the time one man came up to her and said “Sister, you need to have faith!”
Some people think that saving is not spiritual.
It is possible for us to have wrong motives in our saving. We can be greedy, or selfish with our finances. We can harden our hearts to the poor and refuse to give to others in need. We can be afraid of not having enough ourselves. We can put our security in having money in the bank and set our hearts on that. Jesus warns us not to do that. “Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide yourselves with purses that will not wear out, an inexhaustible treasure in heaven, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Lk. 12:33,34.
Saving is a Biblical principle! It is a discipline that can help families and communities out of cycles of slavery and poverty.
We are told this in Proverbs.
“Walk in the manner of the ant, O slacker; observe its ways and become wise. Without a commander, without an overseer or ruler, it prepares its provisions in summer; it gathers its food at harvest.
Proverbs 6:6-11
How long will you lie there, O slacker? When will you get up from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come upon you like a robber, and need like a bandit.”
What are some lessons we are meant to learn from the ant? Ants save tiny bits of food. They store lots of small pieces, that become a big store. The same for us. Start a savings plan that is small enough to be in your budget. If you only get $100 a month try saving $10 of it. Don’t think – it is too small to make any difference. As you save up the small amounts, it will grow if you persevere over time.
Ants are willing to work. To go out and find the food. Sometimes we think the spiritual thing is to sit back and pray. We wait for God to miraculously bring money for us. Yet the ant keeps seeking until it finds.
This is the same with savings. Look at where you could save. We often say we don’t have enough to save. But, think through how you could squeeze more out of what you get. When we are tight financially I make it a game. I think – what could I make instead of buying? How could I cut out some expenses?
Hudson Taylor – a mighty pioneer missionary learned this as a young man studying in London. He found he could survive on a little, walk to work, and eat plain food.
This month is tight for us. I have a lemon tree full of fruit growing in my garden. There are so many uses for them: lemon juice, lemon curd, lemon marmalade, lemon cleaning product, lemon-scented hand oil, lemon cleaner, lemon freshener, lemon insect repellent.. the possibilities are endless. Diligent, creative, hard work brings reward.
Work and save because you want to, not waiting for someone to tell you to, or make you do it. We are all responsible for ourselves and our families. Sometimes, we can have a mindset of dependence. When we lack, we can blame it on; our organization, lack of supporters, God, our churches, our governments, corruption, or the injustice of the situation we were born into. When we blame others it makes us passive or pushes us to think and behave like victims. The truth is, no matter what our circumstances are, we still have free will. This gives us the ability to ask God for a way out, and as His image-bearers, we can be creative and find solutions.
Prepare in summer, because winter is coming. We should be forward-looking. Hopefully, your ambition is to continue to serve God in your calling into your old age. Or at least longer than the next 6 months! That means we should start now – not put it off till later – to save and prepare for the future needs that we will have. We should look to God, and listen to him. Do not worry about the future, but listen to Him. Let him direct your spending and your saving.
In a future article we will look at how to save, but for now, think about these questions:
We’d love to hear from you! As a missionary, we realize this are can be a major struggle. Let us know what solutions you have found helpful in the comments below or on the Missionary Life Facebook group.
*This is a guest post by R.M.
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