Living faithful, fruitful and fulfilled on the mission field
The last few weeks I’ve been falling in love again. It’s a wonderful feeling! Has my husband been extra romantic lately, you might be wondering? No, not really. I’m talking about my love affair with the Word of God. The Bible has been a foundation …
It is easy to get busy with life. Where do you buy cooking gas? In some countries, it can be quite a process. First, you need a special government-issued card, which you wait in line for hours to get. Then you have to find the …
Paul Akin, of the Gospel Coalition, writes this. “The most common reason missionaries go home isn’t due to lack of money, illness, terrorism, homesickness, or even a lack of fruit or response to the gospel. Regretfully, the number one reason is a conflict with other missionaries.” If you are a missionary, you may doubt whether this is the #1 reason. But you would never doubt that it is in the top three or four! Am I right? It doesn’t need to be this way. As missionaries, we can learn how to have effective “crucial conversations” with others in our teams. We must make the effort to equip ourselves to do this and do it well.
When our teams are dysfunctional it affects every aspect of our missionary life. We are not as fruitful and we don’t feel fulfilled. We struggle to stay faithful to our calling when greatly frustrated. Motivation goes down and discouragement sets in.
I wish I could say I am an expert and have fully mastered the art of having crucial conversations. I may be a few steps ahead of some, but these are skills we have to keep working on throughout our missionary career.
In one team I served on, it seemed like we could never make progress. The accepted culture of the team had deteriorated to a silent cynicism. People didn’t show up for meetings on time. When we raised a question for discussion, everyone was quiet. No one seemed to have an opinion they were willing to express. There was one team member who everyone seemed fearful of upsetting. It wasn’t good. We certainly weren’t demonstrating God’s kingdom well! How would we ever accomplish our goal of starting churches among the unreached? Something needed to change.
It was time for a “crucial conversation.” Thankfully, a friend of mine, a police officer in the States, recommended a book (see below). As I applied the lessons learned in it, things began to turn around on the team.
There are many times when we need to have important, crucial conversations. Unless we are willing to step into the uncomfortable zone, our team vision will falter. You can learn how to have these conversations with skill and positive outcomes. Or you can avoid them, and throw away your effectiveness as a team.
The book my friend recommended is called “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.
While I encourage you to buy and carefully read the entire book, here are some of my personal gleanings from it.
In the book, the authors describe a crucial conversation as having three characteristics.
Sound like your team right now? Teams I have both led and served on have often had those three characteristics!
On page 11, it says, “In the best companies, everyone holds everyone else accountable – regardless of level or position. The path to high productivity passes not through a static system, but through face-to-face conversations at all levels.”
Everyone holds everyone else accountable. In my organization, Disciple Makers Increase, we use the phrase “Friendly Accountability.” In great organizations and teams, you can confront each other. If this is true in the business world, how much more true should it be on missionary teams! Amen? You can use grace, honesty, and love to confront, without it becoming a huge ordeal. There is trust, respect, and kindness used when you call each other out. You need to have a conversation like this when something has been done that isn’t in line with the vision and values of your team.
How do you get there? How do you move from dysfunction to a place where that kind of healthy accountability is functioning? Crucial conversations must take place.
The first step they describe in the book is the importance of free-flowing dialogue. Skilled team members learn how to get the important information out in the open.
“At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories. They willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular.” (p 20)
Whether you are the team leader or a member, you can help create a safe place for everyone’s opinions. All thoughts and feelings are free to be shared. You don’t want people in the group to withdraw into silence (the authors call it Salute and Mute). Nor do you want people to be violent (verbal or manipulative attacks). Neither of these leads to good solutions.
We need to take action to create environments in our teams where these behaviors are not the norm. Instead, encourage the free flow of dialogue. Make sure all the important information gets shared and is “on the table.”
The third chapter of the book is called “Stay with Heart: How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want.”
Before the “crucial conversation” takes place, examine your own motives and heart. Prepare for the conversation ahead of time with these three questions.
By writing out the answers to these questions, you can understand your own desires.
For example, you might answer them this way.
Knowing what you want for yourself, others and the relationship helps you stay on track. This helps when the conversation starts to heat up. At that point, remind yourself of what you really want. This helps you not to focus on “winning” the argument or somehow punishing the other person for bad behavior. That isn’t the goal.
In the book, they describe many tools, but one I found very helpful was the use of contrasting statements.
My purpose is NOT to…
My purpose IS to…
This statement brings clarity to your heart. Your motivations are clear from the beginning of the conversation.
You might say something like, “My purpose is not to hurt you or make you feel bad. My purpose is to see our team function well so we can do what God called us to do here.”
James wrote about team conflicts and interpersonal relationships quite a lot. In closing, I want to remind us of this verse.
“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”- James 13:17 NIV
Let’s determine not to go silent (Salute and Mute). Neither can we become violent (whether that shows up in aggressive or passive-aggressive ways). Instead, let’s learn the skills we need to be considerate, honest, impartial, and sincere. This will lead to much greater fruitfulness in God’s kingdom. It will lead to much greater fulfillment and joy in our lives as well.
Do you need to have a “crucial conversation” this week?
Share about this in the comments below or on the Missionary Life Facebook group. We’re happy to stand with you in prayer as you take this step to address team issues.
I was reading through an old journal as I worked on a book I hope to publish one day. I came across this poem. It was written when we were trying to purchase land in India for a widow’s home. Things had been tough. The …
Sometimes our greatest transformation comes out of the moments of our deepest grief. Recently, YWAM around the world was rocked by the tragic news that eight key leaders were killed in a horrible bus accident. Our hearts go out to the families and staff who …
Is the Sabbath something we need to observe today? Didn’t Jesus ignore the Sabbath and do ministry on that day? Isn’t every day holy now? These questions about the Sabbath run through our thoughts. Why take Sabbath anyhow? Maybe when you think of Sabbath you think of a boring day with rules and regulations and sitting and doing nothing.
For years, I felt confused by the Sabbath. I knew it was one of the Ten Commandments. All the other 10 commandments were universal laws I held in high regard. “Do not murder” and “Do not steal” were listed right there with “Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.” Why was this command somehow less important to me than the others? I was baffled, so I ignored it. It certainly wasn’t convenient or easy to make room in my life for Sabbath! Sometimes I even wondered if talking about Sabbath was a trick we pastors used to get people to come to church!
After many years in ministry, God began to speak to me about the Sabbath. I started studying it in Scripture. I knew I needed rest in my life. My lifestyle as a busy stressed-out minister was not reflecting His Kingdom well.
As I studied the Sabbath, I discovered that Jesus was not against the Sabbath. He didn’t tell us to stop practicing this spiritual discipline. Like tithing and other Old Testament laws, He didn’t get rid of the law, He took it to a new level. He took it beyond the law to the transformation of our hearts. Instead of only having a day of rest, Jesus wants us to live life from a place of internal rest. A great way to begin learning to do that is by observing a weekly day of Sabbath- a day when we stop our work and ministry activities.
At that time, I was working in the slums. It wasn’t easy to take a day off. Sundays were our busiest day in ministry. It was the day when people were most available and likely to have time to talk to us. Not everyone in the slums got a day off, but some did. We spent the day leading house churches, visiting interested seekers, and doing well-baby checks. Saturday was also an important day for children’s ministry, clinics, and team meetings. On normal weekdays, I tried to take some time off. My kids were homeschooled though so I still had to work on doing that. Even when I took time off from ministry, there was laundry to be done, and emails to be caught up on.
Passionate about what I was called to do and highly committed, I plowed on through. “I’m fine without much rest,” I thought. I made sure my staff got a day off, but I rarely took one. There was so much to do! Honestly, I kind of took pride in not needing as much rest as other people.
Until God convicted me. “The model you are giving to others is not a Kingdom model. It doesn’t reflect me,” God said. “You are not taking care of your body or your family well. You are not living the life I paid a price to give you.” That stopped me in my tracks!
From that point, I began a journey of learning about the Sabbath and what it meant to enter the rest of God. Ten years later, I am still learning! This is not something a driven person like me masters quickly. I continue to pursue it, however, because I know that when I don’t, not only do I suffer, but those I lead do too.
“Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.” Ex. 20:8-NIV
“Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. ” Matt. 5:17- ESV
To observe the Sabbath, you have to stop. This is an important word to remember as you begin to practice a Sabbath discipline. Stop working. Stop doing things that drain you. Stop giving out.
Why do I call this a discipline? Because for many of us, stopping is difficult. We have a well-established habit of being busy. We’ve been on the treadmill so long, we don’t know how to get off of it. For some of us, we have what might be called workaholic tendencies. We feel good when we are productive and working hard. We feel important. Stopping work creates a sense of emptiness, even boredom.
If that is you, then, believe me, you desperately need Sabbath! Consider that longing for productivity a red flag waving before you saying “Stop! Slow down! Let God be God in your work and ministry!”
Sabbath drives us back to a place of realizing that God is bigger than we are. It forces us to realize that the ministry is His not ours to take care of. It makes us understand afresh that we are not God. We are limited and live in bodies that need to rest. God designed us to need to stop. We must sleep each day and Sabbath weekly. We need to shut down and cease our labor.
Okay, you’ve determined to take a Sabbath. But what do you do? Sleep. Play. Relax. Make love. Do things that refresh you! Play football or listen to music. Draw a picture. Plant some flowers. Read a novel or magazine. Listen to a sermon if you want. Sit and listen to the wind in the trees. Talk to (or even better, listen to) your spouse. Make special food. More than anything else, make sure you stop your normal activities.
Sabbath doesn’t have to be “spiritual” in what we normally call “spiritual.” It isn’t a day you spend in intercession and prayer or only reading your bible all day. You can do those things if they are refreshing to you. But don’t do them out of duty, or to once again perform. God is giving you a day off! Take it!
You will be surprised at how as we stop, and as we let ourselves rest, His joy, His peace, His Presence and often for me, His direction and inspiration come. The Sabbath gives space for our lives to settle. Things so often then become clearer.
Are you observing a Sabbath day each week? Do you take a day to rest from your labor in ministry? Do you stop- really stop working, and allow yourself to rest?
If not, begin this week. I promise. This spiritual discipline will transform your life! Just as much as prayer, fasting, reading your Bible, or any of the other wonderful disciplines God has given us to practice – the Sabbath will do its good work.
4 Things to Do as You Begin:
1) Decide when you will Sabbath every week. It doesn’t have to be on Sunday if you are a pastor or minister and that is not a good day to rest. Make sure to take a full 24-hour period each week. What day will be your Sabbath?
2) Write down clear boundaries for yourself. What will you not do on the Sabbath?
3) Brainstorm a few things you will do. What refreshes your soul?
4) Prepare for the Sabbath by telling others when you are taking it. Then they can respect those boundaries and not give you work to do on that day.
Many blessings as you take this step forward in Kingdom living. As you practice this the answer to, “Why take Sabbath?” will become more and more clear!
Some flavors go together well. Others just don’t. Like lemongrass and coconut milk in Thai food. They complement each other and are delicious. Or palm butter and rice. Yum! But when you put minced chicken with ice cream it just doesn’t work, right? My husband …
Sabbath is a day for rest and intake. I try to do things that will refresh and renew my soul. One of these for me is listening to audiobooks. Recently, I’ve been listening to a book called More of God by R.T.Kendall. Something struck me …
A beautiful story is told in the movie Fly Away Home. It is about a young girl who raises a flock of geese. She is there when the goslings hatch. Thinking she is their mother, the growing birds follow her around everywhere she goes.
This film demonstrates what is called imprinting. Whatever an animal is exposed to, in the first days of its life, it bonds with. The animal will mimic its substitute “mother” and draw all social cues from them. If a kitten is cared for by a cat, it will learn to act like a cat. But if a kitten is cared for by a dog, it will begin to act like a dog, even though it is a cat. This is a strange but real phenomenon that creates interesting scenarios!
So how do these concepts apply to the cross-cultural missionary?
Who we are nurtured by, and how we enter our new culture is very important.
Tom and Elizabeth Brewster introduced this concept in the missions world years ago. They developed in a book they wrote called, Bonding and the Missionary Task.
Their theory is still well worth paying attention to.
The Brewsters taught that a missionary bonds to the people they spend the most time with when entering the mission field. In their book, they encouraged cross-cultural workers to create emotional ties with nationals rather than other foreigners. This is especially vital in the weeks and months when you first arrive in a new culture.
I’ve experienced the power of the bonding principle in my own life. Awareness and application of this concept give new missionaries a powerful head-start. It moves you quickly toward greater effectiveness in your missionary endeavors.
We arrived in Nepal in 1991, brand new missionaries. It was so exciting to be there, the land of our calling. We had prepared as much as we could. But nothing could fully prepare us for such a new and different culture and way of life.
Before arrival, we requested our leaders to find a host family for us to stay with. About a week after we landed in Kathmandu, we moved into a simple rented room next to the room of our hosts. We shared all our meals with them and their two boys.
The room was simple, with unpainted cement walls. We slept on a mattress on the floor. Our only furniture was a mooda (a short Nepali woven stool) and a bamboo floor mat. It was fun and hard- all at the same time. But we learned so much about Nepalese life and culture!
We jumped straight into immersion-style language learning. Our language progressed rapidly. It was a huge adventure, but also a tough one!
When our six-week stay with the family was over, we breathed a sigh of relief and ate a big plate full of toast. It was so good to eat something different from rice, lentils, and curry!
That initial time of bonding with Nepalese people was vitally important. The insights we gained, and the relationships built, carried us forward in our missionary journey.
Jesus is our great example of missionary entry. He was born as a baby and took on human likeness. He was completely dependent on Mary and Joseph for help, though He was God incarnate.
“He made himself nothing, by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.” Phil. 2:7 NIV.
Placing yourself, like Jesus did, into a new culture as a dependent “infant” isn’t easy. We must lay down power and become like a child, relying on local people for our needs to be met.
As we follow Christ’s example of a humble entry into a new culture, we can understand local people better. We also demonstrate Christ to them in far greater ways.
Are you convinced? Do you want to be proactive about bonding with your new culture well? Here are some suggestions that will help you have a successful entry experience.
Learn all you can about your new place and culture before arrival. Read books, watch videos, and talk to others who have lived and worked there before. Be a student of the people and place, even before you arrive. Begin to also prepare yourself mentally for the sacrifices you will need to be ready to make. You will need to be prepared for some major adjustments in food, comforts, and habits.
Don’t ease into it, or try to “get set up first,” then start language study. If at all possible, arrange a place to stay that will not require you to “set up your house” for the first weeks and months.
That can come later after the initial bonding period is completed.
Determine which language study method you will use (see my e-book about this) prior to arriving. Then you can start immediately.
Recognize that you are in a very critical bonding time. It is a season. This is not forever. Eventually, you will need relationships with people from your own culture too. But for now, restrict your engagement with other foreigners.
At all costs, avoid bonding primarily with other Koreans, Brazilians, or Americans to get your needs met. Instead, be intentional about looking to local people to help you.
Do you need someone to take you to the doctor? Ask a local friend to show you how to navigate the system at the hospital. Need to buy stamps and mail a package, ask a local person to help you understand how the post office works.
This can be difficult when your language is limited, and it’s not a hard-fast rule. Asking for help from indigenous people will help you become a part of their community.
There is great value in staying with a family who is from the culture you are now living in. Staying in their home and being with them 24-7 will give you valuable insights into their way of life.
There are some good articles available on how to choose a good host family if you decide to pursue this.
Even with imprinting, a dog might act like a cat, but it will never actually become a cat. That is impossible! Neither will you ever fully become an Uzbek, Nepali, or a Fulani. Initial cultural bonding will help you be much more a part of them than you would be otherwise! You will learn how to act like them, speak like them, eat like them. These cultural bridges will greatly help when you have enough language ability to begin sharing the gospel. They will jump-start your success as a missionary.
Are you already working cross-culturally? Perhaps you didn’t do what I described above. What could you do this week to make yourself more dependent on local people?
Not yet on the field? If you are preparing for entry, what questions do you have about preparing to culturally bond?
Let me know in the comments below or on the Missionary Life Facebook Page.
I was out in my garden working. Suddenly there was a sharp pain on my chin. I swiped it off – it was a bee. Then there was another buzzing. I flapped my arms wildly but got another sting on my eyebrow. A few minutes …