5 Ways to Love Emotionally Unhealthy People

It’s a bit of a cliché, but it’s true. Wounded people wound others. When someone lashes out at you in an extreme way, it is likely more their issue than yours. We need the wisdom to know how to love emotionally unhealthy people. I wish I could say that everyone on the mission field is healthy and will always behave in a mature and godly manner. It’s just not true.

The reality is, most of us struggle at times with unhealthy responses and over-reactions. We get triggered by things that are said or done. Something deep inside of us responds…the wounded child, not the mature adult. This happens to our teammates too.

At times you will have to interact with people who are severely broken inside. They may be suffering from a mental illness like depression, borderline personality, or narcissism.

Diagnosed or not, we work with them. They are part of our missionary families and teams. We find ourselves in situations where we are not in a place to require them to get help. How do we interact in love, but stay healthy ourselves?

God wants us to develop a compassionate view toward those who are suffering. We must recognize their outbursts and over-reactions as a cry for help. These are symptoms of deeper problems. We must learn not to take them personally. This isn’t easy. It’s not easy at all.

Clueless About Mental Health

For many years I was ignorant about what it was like to suffer in an area of mental health. When I unexpectedly began to struggle with severe depression and saw a counselor, a new world opened to me. I began to learn. With treatment and medication, I was able to recover. As I have shared my story with others, I’ve realized I was not alone. Many people suffer from depression.

Since then, I have talked with missionaries who shared their mental health struggles. Some shared they were bi-polar. Others have been treated for numerous other mental health issues. These are good people. They are great missionaries whom I deeply respect. Mental illness is not their fault. It is deserving of compassion, not scorn or judgment.

Resist the Stigma

Undiagnosed and untreated mental health problems cause huge marriage and team issues in the field. The stigma of mental illness is still very significant. (Stigma is “a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person”).

Many are terrified to admit they are struggling and seek help. They need our compassion and sensitivity, not anger or disdain. It is a very tough road to walk as we navigate around their unhealthy reactions. It is even harder for them to cope with their deep inner pain.

Compassion is defined as- the sympathetic concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as in Christ, God forgave you.”

Eph. 4:32

Will you choose compassion over judgment when interacting with an unhealthy person?

5 Ways to Love Emotionally Unhealthy People

Below are five things to consider, as you seek, with God’s help, to love the unhealthy people in your life. Determine to love them well.

1. Set boundaries

Unhealthy people will want you to immediately respond. Their problems and the constant crisis created around them can suck the very life out of you. Don’t allow that. It’s okay to say “I’m not able to listen to you when you talk that way to me. Let’s talk later.” You can politely walk away. Don’t let them control or manipulate you into immediately dropping what matters to you, and doing things their way. This doesn’t actually help them.

When you set healthy boundaries, they will behave better as they interact with you. The book Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, can help you further. It gives great guidelines related to this.

2. Love unconditionally

Continue to love your friends, colleagues, or family members who struggle with brokenness in their lives. They will try to control you or push you away. Don’t let them. Choose to love emotionally unhealthy people unconditionally. That doesn’t mean you have to like the way they behave. Love is a decision you make. Commit to love them no matter what they do. Choose not to take offense, or hold on to unforgiveness related to their interactions with you.

3. Stay healthy yourself

One of the most helpful things you can do for those in your life who are unhealthy is to stay healthy yourself. That means taking sabbaths, resting well, and doing things to refresh yourself in God. Prioritize your own emotional health and well-being. By doing this, you will have the stamina and space needed to love them when they respond out of brokenness.

4. Only give what you have to give. Orientate inward.

I have to tell myself this. It seems counter-intuitive. We are conditioned to give more than what we have…to give sacrificially to others. This is a good thing for many. It is not a good thing when relating to an unhealthy person. When you give to them sacrificially, they will often demand even more.

Ask yourself, “Do I have the ability to give to this person right now?” They may want you to listen to them complain, or tell a long story of how violated they feel. Or they may say manipulative things like, “No one here loves me. I wish someone would spend time with me.” Look inward. If you have extra energy and time, give it. Don’t tap into your reserves to give beyond what you are able. It will not help them in the end, and it will harm your ability to love the other healthy people in your life well.

5. Be consistent

Stability is deeply reassuring to those who are working through brokenness. Knowing that you will always respond with gentle, firm, compassionate boundaries, communicates safety. They can trust and count on you. Others might give up on them, but you will be there, not without boundaries, but with love.

Inner Circles of Safety

If you believe a friend, family member or colleague is struggling with a mental health issue, prayerfully encourage them to get help.

Let them know you don’t think badly of them for their struggle. Have a crucial conversation and encourage them to think about the long-term effects on their life, family, and ministry. They may not listen to you, but someday later, they may feel less condemned if they seek counsel.

Having a small inner circle of friends walk with you through mental illness is vital. Are you compassionate enough to be one of those people? Do you need that in your own life?

If you have noticed extreme reactions in yourself or others, consider talking to a counselor about it. Help and healing are available. It’s not too late.

Are there other things you’ve found to be helpful when interacting with unhealthy teammates on the mission field? I’d be interested to hear about those in the comments below or on the Missionary Life Facebook group.